Capisce?

We women are often accused of being cryptic.

"Why can't you just say what you MEAN?" men whine.

"Stop playing games," they demand.

"Just TELL ME what you want!" they plead.

No.

We do it our own way and I don't know why. What I do know is that it's not really going to change anytime soon, so here are a few common phrases that I've decoded to take away the great mystery of female communication.

I say: Do you know where the TV remote is?

I mean: Can you find the TV remote so I don't have to get up?

I say: It's cold in here.

I mean: Can you go turn the heat up for me?

I say: Are you thirsty right now?

I mean: Can you go get me some water that I may or may not share?

I say: When was the last time we got groceries?

I mean: It's time for you to put together a Peapod order.

I say: Want to watch a movie?

I mean: I want to want a movie.

I say: What movie do you want to watch?

I mean: What movie do you think I want to watch?

I say: How early are you getting up?

I mean: Wake me up that early and die.

I say: What do you want for dinner?

I mean: Are you cooking dinner tonight or do I need to order something?

I know what you're thinking and, yes, Dave is a lucky man.