Of life and legs

Over the last decade or so, I've found that the stages of a gal's life and relationship status can be measured by the state of her legs.

In my experience, there have been 4 leg/life/relationship levels.

Status: Single
Legs: Shaved often enough, but only really before heading out for the evening
Reason: You never know. *wink, wink*

Status: In a relationship
Legs: Shaved to perfection. With shaving cream, even!
Reason: Look how flawless I am. You totally want to marry this.

Status: Married
Legs: Shaved haphazardly in a speedy shower
Reason: I'm late for work and it's not your birthday.

Status: My business-traveling husband is in New York for the rest of September
Legs: I have legs?

It's a new low, y'all.

Alaskan near-death cruise?

Mom and Dad are back from their Alaskan cruise.

Alive.

Thank god.

He called the shit "poop"

If there's one thing I know about my husband, it's that he will always laugh at a poop joke. Without fail. I guess most men will. But one little poop joke recently took his amusement to a level I had never experienced before.

It won't surprise you to learn that the joke came from Louis CK. Before I link it, let me just set the scene...

We are driving back from our beach vacation, listening to one of Louis' sets from 2010. Specifically, Dave is driving and I'm in the front seat.

The joke starts out about Louis' 3-year-old daughter getting bit by a pony and soon drifts into poop territory.

With the first visual description of a turd, Dave bursts out into booms of laughter. His mouth is wide open, his eyes are watering and he is practically having an amusement-induced seizure.

"TAKE...THE...WHEEL," he gasps, in between convulsions.

What the hell is wrong with my husband? I've never seen him so giddy he's practically blind!

I then begin exploding with laughter. Not just because the joke is hilarious (it is) but also because I have never seen this man laugh so hard at anything during our 7 years together.

I grab the wheel and take over the steering while Dave alternates between approving claps and involuntary convulsions. This goes on until I can no longer see the road through my tears and beg him to drive himself. With one hand clutching his stomach, he puts his other hand on the wheel and manages to get through the entire poop joke without killing us.

So what was so funny?

This.

Either that's the most hilarious clip I've ever seen or else I was beyond delusional after hours upon hours of travel.

Summer Updates

Well, it's summer. Bring on the beaches, beer gardens and barbecues. Chicago is an incredible city to live in during these few months, so I plan to take full advantage.

But, before we get to that, there are a few updates I should toss out here...

Goodbye to Oprah

While America said goodbye to their favorite afternoon talk show, I said goodbye to my beloved job. Working on the show was, by far, the greatest job I could have asked for. But, it's time to move on for many of us and I don't think there's a single person on staff who could say they were 100% happy to walk away from this job, these coworkers and this company. (Though, let me say, OW throws one hell of a farewell party.)

My dept -- best people ever.

Hello to Retirement

Where do you go from Oprah? I'm thinking the president...or retirement. You know, go out on a high note. I'm exploring both options right now but if there's ever a time to retire, it's Chicago in the summer. Plus, "retirement" sounds way better than "unemployment." This summer's retirement plans include:

• A trip to the West Coast to see a few friends like Billy, Joe and Dave's cousin.
• Many days spent at my fav beach -- Ohio Street. (Perhaps the only douche-free beach in the city.)
• Exercise. I'm less enthused about this, but it stays on the list.
• A drive to Memphis with the pup(s) to see my folks and all the new shit they're doing to their house.
• Our family vacation to Virginia Beach with my fam, my aunt/uncle and Dave's fam.
• Sleeping in, playing Call of Duty and drinking summery things like Vodka-Lemonades.

Welcoming Margie/Bella/Stella/Roger
Since Dave and I are both free from work this summer, we thought now would be the best time to bring another little furball into our home. So, we had Rocco meet his potential sister about a week ago and they adored each other! Her name is Margie but she responds to Bella, so we were hoping to keep a similar-sounding name. We're thinking "Stella," but my brother has already decided he will be calling her "Roger."

Now we'll be fostering her for two weeks starting on the 13th to see if she'll be a good fit in our home. If she's not, well, then we're never meant to get a second dog because this one is just awesome.

Aaaaand that's it! It's only June 6, but it's already shaping up to be a month of big changes... Hopefully all good.

Over and out

Well, friends, Dave's China trip is almost up. It's hard to believe 6 weeks have already come and gone, but as of right now, I'm 28 hours away from seeing my husband and I CAN'T WAIT. Seriously. It's disgusting, even to me.

But, now that Dave's Wild Asian Adventure is over, it's the perfect time to recaps my highs and lows of living alone...


HIGHS

• I learned how to parallel park by myself.
• I didn't forget to feed my dog once.
• I did some pilates a few times. Okay, fine, twice.
• I leveled up on Call of Duty.
• I finally got my hair cut.
• I had lovely, boozy playdates with Ang, Suz and Jessi.
• I wore my new, cute, yellow ballet flats from Cole Haan.
• I drove Roc to Cleveland so he could play with his cousin and I could get drunk with my sister-in-law and mother-in-law.
• I met my new neighbors and their adorable Boxer -- love them all.
• I bought 6 pairs of shoes, 6 dresses, 11 shirts, a pair of pants and 3 belts.
• The weather warmed up!... For half a second. We'll take it.
• I saw Suz's new condo and it's awesome.
• I found a convenient, lovely spa that I will be going to instead of the uber-expensive Bliss for my facials.
• My sister came in town and made amends.
  

LOWS

• I lost my apartment keys.
• And mail key.
• And almost locked the dog in the car. ALMOST.
• I rarely cooked for myself.
• I often ate popcorn for dinner.
  
• I got into bed embarrassingly early every weeknight.
• I got sick and sounded like a chain-smoking, truck-stop hooker for three days.
• I almost ran over a little woman with my boat of a car.
• We frequently lost at trivia.
• My dog may or may not have eaten chocolate, so I pumped him full of meds and Benadryl out of sheer panic.
  

Eh, let's call it a draw.

Dave's China

As of two days ago, Dave left the hellhole that is Lanzhou and embarked on his 10-day vacation across the more modernized parts of China. He's already seen Tienanmen Square and the Great Wall, and tomorrow he departs for Shanghai for more sightseeing and fun.

However, before this little vacation of his, he was stuck in one of the most industrial (read: crappy) cities in the country. This shit was downright Third World! Well... that might be a tad dramatic, but here, judge for yourself:

• Dave only had 2 hours of hot water allowed in his dorm. Showering, apparently, was a luxury.
  

• His lab had squat toilets. This is a squat toilet:

• He had no access to a laundry room or laundromat, so he had to do his laundry in the bathtub. The bathtub!

• He could really only stare at a wall for entertainment after work, since he couldn't stream any TV shows or movies online.

• His lab had no heat and typically hovered around 30 degrees, so when he worked, he had to bundle up and pray for sunshine.

Just a reminder to be thankful, America. We are so, so spoiled.

Stupid China

Dave's gone. It's sad. Been taking care of myself. Kitchen has yet to catch fire.

That's basically the gist of it. I mean, it's only been a few days... But it's going well, I guess.

Anyway, with this time difference, Dave and I been relying on short Skype convos and emails to communicate. He is 14 hours ahead of us here, so when it's lunchtime in Beijing, it's bedtime in Chicago. (Also, I'm old and go to bed around 10.)

But tonight? Tonight I'm staying up until 11 so he can Skype me during his lunch. This is what he will see:


HAWT. Who doesn't like seeing their wife with makeup smudges, flat hair and a double chin?

Also, the pup and I are both a little doped up (him on Benadryl, me on Sleep II), so having a conversation in 90 minutes should be extra fun.

Zai jian, friends.

World traveler?

I've never been much of a traveler.

I guess it's the crotchety old woman in me that just wants to be in her comfort zone (likely a local bar) with a familiar drink in hand (likely vodka), a familiar face by my side (likely Suz) and a standard schedule to stick to (in bed by 10).

Uh, remind me again why you read this blog? I am SO BORING.

Aaaanyway. I'm telling you this because I think something in me is starting to shift. A lot of you (Ang, Jess, Jessi, etc.) travel quite often -- alone even! You have amazing experiences, beautiful photos and tons of memories. I'm starting to long for some more adventure.

For example, I really miss Australia. Sydney had the exciting urban feel that I love and Port Douglas had the relaxed beach vibe that we all need every now and then.





San Francisco was fantastic too -- so much to see and do.




And then, there's Paris.

Dave and I thought about going to Paris/Nice for our honeymoon, but the weather wasn't going to be warm enough for me to soak up the sun.

Now, our dear friends are moving there in October (!) and I can't WAIT to visit. Especially since both of them speak French whereas I, like most asshole Americans, only know how to proposition someone a la the Lady Marmalade video.

Speaking of speaking French and videos, here's a moment from their wedding where Zack raps to his wife. He goes en Francais around the 5:30 mark:



Adorable, no?

Where else should I plan to go? What's your favorite place to visit?

Vacation recap

It's already been a few weeks since we were at the beach, but there's nothing like a look back to make you miss the fun more than ever...


THE 12-HOUR DRIVE

Leaving around 5am makes Dave goofy
It makes me sleepy

The pink bike rack, however, is unaffected

THE BEACH

Okay, we didn't actually take any pictures out on the beach. Except this one. Oops.

THE FISHING TRIP

We went deep sea fishing at the crack of dawn

We caught sting rays...

...and sharks!

My sister was very excited

And, of course, I slept some more

THE FOOD

Food porn, commence!

THE REST

We also hit up Busch Gardens. 90* angle drops? Yes, please

We played with sparklers

Watched a big storm roll through

Played games

And hung out on the porch with cool cocktails

T-minus 345 days until we do it all again.

It's almost beach time!

In just a few short days, I'm heading to VA Beach with the fam. This includes:

Dave and his pink bike rack

My drunk dad

My soberish mom

My clean-for-now sister

My super-DUPER drunk grandma

My sun-avoiding brother

My super sober father-in-law

My awesome mother-in-law

My fun, fun, fun sister-in-law

My CAPTAIN AMERICA brother-in-law & his girlfriend

My princess niece

My bull-in-a-china-shop nephew

This crazy crew is about to invade VA Beach. We'll go deep-sea fishing at the ass-crack of dawn, drink way too much alcohol, soak up the sun, have Bocce tournaments, play video games and play poker. I can't wait.

Yeah, I could drive an Infiniti

Since The Big Green Monster is on it's last leg (uh, wheel), I've been paying extra-special attention to the cars I rent. Even as someone who hates driving, I have to say that it's been kind of fun experiencing different vehicles.

Here's what I've played with in the last few months:


Luxury: 2009 Infiniti G37x

Pros:
SOMEONE BUY ME THIS. Not surprisingly, I fell in love with this car. Smooth ride, comfy leather seats, great sound system, convenient nav system, bluetooth, plenty of room, heated seats, AWD -- what's not to love?

Cons:
Nothing. Seriously. I would live in this car if I could. And if I were made of money, I'd rent it every single time I go out of town. California? Hop in the G37, friends, it's a short 35 hours away! Love, love, love.


Mid-Size: 2009 Toyota Corolla

Pros:
Everyone talks about the great gas mileage on this car, but seeing it in action is a whole new level of amazing. We made it from Chicago to Cleveland without even filling up!

Cons:
This bad boy didn't have cruise control. THAT made for a fun 5 hours on the highway. Also, there was no real room in the back seat. If we had been traveling with my brother or anyone else, it would have been totally uncomfortable.


Full-Size: 2009 Hyundai Sonata

Pros:
Holy gas mileage. Maybe I just have super-low expectations after driving an old school SUV for years, but this Sonata was awesome. Went from Chicago to St. Louis on a little over half a tank of gas. Also, it had a USB port and aux input for my iPhone, plenty of room in the back seat and a relatively smooth ride.

Cons:
No navigation system. My sense of direction is horseshit and the Goog sometimes steers me wrong.


Big-Time Luxury: 2010 Acura MDX

Pros: This is mom's new car -- since I met her in STL, we used her car for everything. I couldn't stop driving it. Awesome nav system made for confused drivers like me, USB, aux input, heated seats, comfy leather, sunroof, back-up camera... even the seat remembered my settings and automatically adjusted itself before I turned the car on. It's a far cry from her minivan, for sure.

Cons: Gas mileage, duh. And you can't change the navigation voice accent to something fun like Australian. It also felt a tad too big to drive in the city, but, believe me, I could get over that hurdle. Ya know, if mom wanted to gift me another vehicle sometime in the near future...



Anyway, the next car I'm renting is another full-size for our road trip to Virginia Beach in T-minus 11 days.

As much as I'd love to get the Infiniti again, it's dangerously close to costing the same as a month's rent for the week, so... no. The Corolla's out, since the lack of cruise control and space is way too big of an issue for a 15-hour trip. And the Sonata, well, that'd be a great ride, actually. We're not renting from the same company though, so god only knows what they'll give us. Here's hoping for a lucky upgrade.

San Francisco teaser

YOU'RE A TIGER

More to come this weekend...

First trip of 2010

Dave and I are headed to San Francisco on Friday!

I've never been there before. Actually, I've never really been to the West Coast. I was technically in LA for two days on my honeymoon on our way to Australia, but I was such a sick little mess that I barely ventured out of the hotel room. (And not in a good way. I wanted to die.) So, really, it doesn't count.

This time, we're going to SF to visit Dave's best man. I have no idea what the weekend will entail besides heavy drinking and decent weather -- which is all I require on a good trip. But if you've been before and you know of a restaurant, bar or boutique that I cannot, should not miss, let me know!

I'm back

...With freckles.

Family vacation time

I'm here right now:

Running away from these fuckers:

Hanging out with these fuckers:

And generally enjoying myself for the next two days.

See you (too) soon!