The case of the lost wedding ring

It was a dark and stormy snowy night.

Kind of.

Dave was taking the dog out for one last shit before bed. I was in the apartment alone.

The phone rang.

"WTF," I say. It's 10:30 at night!

I look at the caller ID and I see it's Dave, who left the apartment not more than 1 minute ago. This can NOT be good.

"Hey," he says. "I just lost my wedding ring in the snow."

I am silent. Is this a joke? Because I am about to rage.

"Come help me look," he says before hanging up.

I throw on my boots, jacket and gloves, and head out. For the next 30 minutes, we comb through the snow in front of our neighbor's house. With all of the shoveling, the ring has most likely sunk down 8 inches into a snow pile. We, of course, find nothing.

The next night, we drive out to somewhere the trains don't go and rent a metal detector. With a new sense of hope, we bring this bright yellow (why?) device to our neighbor's snow piles. And let me tell you, I've come to realize that there's nothing more suspicious than two hooded 20-somethings lurking around in front of a home at night with a large metal weapon. But whatever. After nearly an hour of searching, still no ring.

The next day, we decide that the missing element in all this is daylight. Dave goes back out to the snow piles to try yet again. This time, a woman comes out to get her mail and looks at Dave quizzically. He tells her that he lost his wedding ring somewhere in the snow.

She says, "Oh noooo. Oh noooo. Oh noooo. Oh shit."

Oh shit is right, lady. Oh shit is right.

Everyone who walked by and heard the story shared the same sentiment. Whether they chuckled or gave the Sad Eyes, they all agreed that the ring was never going to be found. Especially after a few extra days of snowfall and shoveling.

By the end of the afternoon, we were ready to agree.

So, here we are, defeated.

Dave's new plan is to sit out in front of the neighbor's in a lawn chair once 40 degrees hits, in hopes that the snow will melt and the ring will magically appear. Hey, we've tried everything else.

In the meantime, he'll buy a $10 band from Target. And once we're rich, we'll get him a new, real band to replace the lost one. Because, really? That thing is GONE.