The streak continues

Tonight I was halfway through a TiVo'd episode of Desperate Housewives when our apartment phone rang. I had expected it to be my mom, but the caller ID said it was our doorman. Odd. Since it was almost 9pm, I figured he was calling by mistake to tell us that "our" Chinese food had arrived or something. At which point I would have said, ya know, send him up.

But instead, a man who spoke shoddy English told me that I had a letter waiting for me downstairs.

A letter? Did you mean "package?" No? Well, if it's just a letter then put it in my damn mailbox, man!

But, no, he seemed very concerned that I come down and get it now. So I agreed and immediately got a bad feeling.

Since I watch way too many crime shows, I just KNEW this was a set-up and that he was going to kidnap me in the lobby of our busy highrise. I knew it. I told Dave to call the police if I wasn't back in five minutes. I grabbed my phone and hopped in the elevator.

When I got to the front desk, I saw a maintenance man behind the desk instead of our doorman with an ominous-looking tall man in a red jacket waiting for me.

Dammit, I knew I should have brought my mace!

Instead of kidnapping me, the man in red asked if I was Elle.

"Um, yes," I answered.

"From apartment 34xx?"

"Yes, you just called me down here for a letter...?"

"And you're with Dave?"

Oh, for the love of God. "Yes," I said, exasperated.

"Oh, okay, I was confused," he said. Clearly. "Here, this is for you."

He handed me a letter with our first (not last) names on it. I was going to snatch it and run upstairs, but he didn't seem to want me to leave without explaining the letter.

He said, "Now, in there, that's everything you need to know..."

"Uh, okay."

He stared. "Did she not tell you what was going on?"

"I have NO idea who or what you're talking about," I said. Am I supposed to open this letter in front of him? Am I not? What the hell is going on?

"Oohh," he said. "Okay... well...."

My stomach tightened.

"Your owner is selling the unit."

WHAT THE FUCK. I haven't even been here for a year! I move every single fucking year! Every year for the past 5 years! I had finally found a great building in a good location with a pool, balcony, tons of closet space, new appliances -- my mecca.

"Now," he continued, "the good news is that the terms of your lease are still in place."

Now it was my turn to stare. What does that even mean?

"Yeah, okay, when do I have to move?" I demanded.

"Well, the terms of your lease are still in place."

I turned my stare to a glare. I folded my arms.

He stumbled, "Um, so, um, when did you move in?"

"January," I answered flatly.

"Oh, well, realistically, I don't think the unit will sell before then, so I would say by January."

That's right, folks. My condo owners have already put my apartment on the market. They are selling it for DIRT CHEAP and even had the audacity to write "must sell fast!" on the listing. I might have 3 months to move, I might have 3 weeks.

I took the real estate agent/dream crusher's card and took my stupid letter upstairs. Dave immediately started cursing. I immediately emailed our building's leasing agent asking about the next available units and called my ex-real estate agent mom to discuss exactly how much of an asshole I'm allowed to be without getting sued (more than you'd think... watch out). And then I scoured Craig's List and emailed about 10 different people about their buildings.

Talk about bad timing. We just spent a shit-ton on money on the honeymoon, we were FINALLY getting a break from wedding-related chaos, we had just bought a few new pieces of large furniture, we were looking forward to getting settled. Instead, we'll have to spend more money moving, dive head-first into moving-related chaos, sell some furniture if we have to downgrade our apt size and do anything EXCEPT get settled.

I am SO drinking tomorrow.