Monday, August 25, 2008

True story

I haven't admitted this to you all yet because, well, it's possible that you think I'm weird enough already. And if you don't already think that, what I'm about to tell you will surely seal the deal...

I have an unhealthy obsession with crime shows.

From the delightfully fake dramas like CSI to the disturbingly real shit like the First 48, I can't help but watch morbid TV. That's not even the weird part... perhaps worse is the fact that I watch them before going to bed. Let's not dwell on this too much, k? Moving on.

The other night, I was watching something I'd never watched before, Forensic Files. The name alone made me assume that I'd see some fancy technologies, new crime scene innovations and in-depth police work. (Sorry to geek out like that, but it's just how I am.) Instead, I saw a TRAINWRECK of an investigation and rampant idiocy that once again reminds me why I'm glad I don't live in the south. I can't believe there are people in this world that are THIS BAD at life.

Let's begin the story.


Location
A small, southern town where people either fish for a living or work at the mom-and-pop drug store. I'd say it was a WalMart, but this town -- which I dubbed Bumblefuck -- was WAY too small for that kind of mega chain. And maybe too ass-backwards for WalMart too, if you believe such a place exists.

The gist
Two men went out on a fishing boat during a massive storm. Not surprisingly, they didn't come back. Fourteen hours after the storm, another fishing boat picked up one of the men, alive, just floating on a scrap of wood. This man, by the way, has an IQ of 74, which makes him slightly smarter than a peanut. He told the coast guard that his captain, the missing man, got his foot stuck in a net during the storm and was unable to break free in the storm, no matter how hard he tried. The captain told the man to save himself, and presumably drowned with the sinking ship.

The twist
Two days later, the captain's body is found floating in the water. He has a gash across his head and a series of cuts across one of his arms. The townsfolk wonder, "Does drowning do that to people?" I answer, "Probably, you fucking hillbillies. Thrashing around in the elements with large shards of debris barreling down on you might give a person a few scrapes." Alas, I do not live in Bumblefuck, thank God, so we turn to the brilliant coroner for his expert assessment.

Enter the coroner
The body is taken to the coroner, who I will call Mr. Make-Shit-Up. Mr. MSU sees the gash in the captain's head and, since I'm no stranger to making shit up myself, this is the dialogue I imagine went through his head: "Aw, golly gee, ya'll. This boy's got a mighty big gash in his head. The only possible explanation I see is pipe-wielding ninjas who like to kill for fun. (Dang, I should write a motion picture script for that.) Imma call this 'blunt force trauma.' Oooo, lookathat. Cuts on the arm too! Imma call those 'defensive wounds.' Blunt force trauma + defensive wounds = homicide. I'm gonna tell the po-po to investigate that medically slow dolt with the low IQ. He ain't no ninja, but it's clear that he's a MURDERER."

Enter the media
The headline the next day: Murder at Sea -- Two Men Battle for Last Life Jacket During Storm. Please Ignore the Fact that the Simpleton Was Found Without Any Life Jacket Whatsoever. It Totally Happened This Way. I Swear. Dude's a MURDERER.

Enter cliche, hard-ass cops who are really excited to be working a case other than who stole the ketchup bottles at Denny's
The cops take their new suspect to the interrogation room...
Cop: You killed your captain!!
Simpleton: No I didn't.
Cop: What'd you hit him with!!?
Simpleton: I didn't hit him at all.
... Literally 7 hours later ...
Cop: What'd you hit him with!!?
Simpleton: A board?
Cop: There ain't no damn board on that boat! What'd you hit him with!?
Simpleton: Um, a hammer?
Cop: That don't even match the evidence!
Simpleton: A pipe?
Cop: AHA! MURDERER!

Enter motorcycle-riding lawyer to defend the simpleton
"Ya'll this is the worst case of bullying I've EVER seen in a po-lice interview. It's obvious this poor simpleton just told them what they wanted to hear because they wouldn't stop screaming at him. I'd like to see those cops try that on me. Bring it." *Flexes*

Enter common sense
Um, the arm gashes on the body were not deep. Of course, the genius coroner never measured or inspected that, but if he had, he would have found that they were consistent with a boat's propeller blades. And that head gash? Caused postmortem, likely by a passing boat. In other words, the dead captain got run over by a boat after he floated to the surface after drowning. He was also found without one of his shoes, which matched the simpleton's story.



So. Who's glad they don't live in Bumblefuck?

12 comments:

Alexa said...

i love watching train wrecks. it makes me feel better about myself.

i'm an asshole

Stephanie said...

Haha, that was a pretty great story. Glad I live in the real world, personally.

hautepocket said...

I share your love for crime shows. My favorite lately is the true life crime show Prime Time Crime. (Think America's Most Wanted meets Unsolved Mysteries.) Yea. Basically awesome. The bad part is that it comes on right before I go to bed.

Ari said...

I share your love of crime shows as well - but I think your portrail of the south and southerners is way off. For one I was raised in Alabama and still live there. I pride myself on being Southern. There are small hicktowns up North where the IQ is way below average too. So don't be so quick to label all us Southerners as slow and backass.

Joy @ Big Time Fancy said...

Jesus Kentucky Fried Christ.
That hurts my brain.

elle michelle said...

Hi Ari. I guess you haven't noticed, but I AM quick to judge. ;-)

I also lived in the south, so I know firsthand how nice AND how ass-backwards it can be. Yeah, the east coast has shitty areas too. Everywhere does. But as someone who lived on the east coast for 10 years, the south for 8 and the Midwest for 7, I've gotta say that I'm not pulling these caricatures out of my ass.

And they ARE caricatures, by the way. Though, if you'd watched the episode I'm talking about, you might think I was being kind in my assessment...

RebeccaC said...

Secret obsession with crime shows. Oh thats nothing. I've staked out CSI and Law & Order reruns and JiT cannot live without: FBI Files, Forensic Files, The First 48 Hours, 48 Hours Mystery, Locked Up Abroad, Dateline NBC (the man likes his crime shows). And don't even get me STARTED on sci fi...we tivo X-Files reruns religiously. Sick. I know.

bodelou said...

i la-la-love crime shows. SVU and snapped! (on the oxygen) network are the best, especially in marathon doses.


lovely blog you've got!

Marie said...

Just started reading your blog.

I do love me some crime shows (CSI, Criminal Minds, Cold Case) too and yes, I am glad I DO NOT live in bumblefuck!

amindinmotown said...

Not sure I've said this before - and I've totally been lurking - but love your blog hun!

elle michelle said...

Alexa: Maybe that's why I love you?

Stephanie: I know, I can't make that shit up!

HP: Is it creepy that I can still fall asleep to those shows amid the gruesome violence?

Joy: Oh, God, you make me laugh.

Rebecca: X-Files? You win. ;-)

Bodelou: I love Snapped!! Freaks out my fiance, but, hey, a trainwreck's a trainwreck, and I can't stay away.

Marie: Welcome! And Cold Case is definitely another fav of mine as well.

Amindinmotown: Thanks! And thanks for stepping out to say hi!

The BAMF said...

Ok...you get not one but TWO comments for this one...

WHY...WHY is "The First 48" ALWAYS in Memphis? Jesus...you think all the gangsters and thugs would have killed themselves off already...damnit.

Oh, and as someone who once lived in Bumblefuck...then to a REAL city (STL)...and is now completing another tour of duty in Bumblefuck...they actually call it "Bum-fuck-Egypt"...

yeah, I know.

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