True story

I haven't admitted this to you all yet because, well, it's possible that you think I'm weird enough already. And if you don't already think that, what I'm about to tell you will surely seal the deal...

I have an unhealthy obsession with crime shows.

From the delightfully fake dramas like CSI to the disturbingly real shit like the First 48, I can't help but watch morbid TV. That's not even the weird part... perhaps worse is the fact that I watch them before going to bed. Let's not dwell on this too much, k? Moving on.

The other night, I was watching something I'd never watched before, Forensic Files. The name alone made me assume that I'd see some fancy technologies, new crime scene innovations and in-depth police work. (Sorry to geek out like that, but it's just how I am.) Instead, I saw a TRAINWRECK of an investigation and rampant idiocy that once again reminds me why I'm glad I don't live in the south. I can't believe there are people in this world that are THIS BAD at life.

Let's begin the story.


Location
A small, southern town where people either fish for a living or work at the mom-and-pop drug store. I'd say it was a WalMart, but this town -- which I dubbed Bumblefuck -- was WAY too small for that kind of mega chain. And maybe too ass-backwards for WalMart too, if you believe such a place exists.

The gist
Two men went out on a fishing boat during a massive storm. Not surprisingly, they didn't come back. Fourteen hours after the storm, another fishing boat picked up one of the men, alive, just floating on a scrap of wood. This man, by the way, has an IQ of 74, which makes him slightly smarter than a peanut. He told the coast guard that his captain, the missing man, got his foot stuck in a net during the storm and was unable to break free in the storm, no matter how hard he tried. The captain told the man to save himself, and presumably drowned with the sinking ship.

The twist
Two days later, the captain's body is found floating in the water. He has a gash across his head and a series of cuts across one of his arms. The townsfolk wonder, "Does drowning do that to people?" I answer, "Probably, you fucking hillbillies. Thrashing around in the elements with large shards of debris barreling down on you might give a person a few scrapes." Alas, I do not live in Bumblefuck, thank God, so we turn to the brilliant coroner for his expert assessment.

Enter the coroner
The body is taken to the coroner, who I will call Mr. Make-Shit-Up. Mr. MSU sees the gash in the captain's head and, since I'm no stranger to making shit up myself, this is the dialogue I imagine went through his head: "Aw, golly gee, ya'll. This boy's got a mighty big gash in his head. The only possible explanation I see is pipe-wielding ninjas who like to kill for fun. (Dang, I should write a motion picture script for that.) Imma call this 'blunt force trauma.' Oooo, lookathat. Cuts on the arm too! Imma call those 'defensive wounds.' Blunt force trauma + defensive wounds = homicide. I'm gonna tell the po-po to investigate that medically slow dolt with the low IQ. He ain't no ninja, but it's clear that he's a MURDERER."

Enter the media
The headline the next day: Murder at Sea -- Two Men Battle for Last Life Jacket During Storm. Please Ignore the Fact that the Simpleton Was Found Without Any Life Jacket Whatsoever. It Totally Happened This Way. I Swear. Dude's a MURDERER.

Enter cliche, hard-ass cops who are really excited to be working a case other than who stole the ketchup bottles at Denny's
The cops take their new suspect to the interrogation room...
Cop: You killed your captain!!
Simpleton: No I didn't.
Cop: What'd you hit him with!!?
Simpleton: I didn't hit him at all.
... Literally 7 hours later ...
Cop: What'd you hit him with!!?
Simpleton: A board?
Cop: There ain't no damn board on that boat! What'd you hit him with!?
Simpleton: Um, a hammer?
Cop: That don't even match the evidence!
Simpleton: A pipe?
Cop: AHA! MURDERER!

Enter motorcycle-riding lawyer to defend the simpleton
"Ya'll this is the worst case of bullying I've EVER seen in a po-lice interview. It's obvious this poor simpleton just told them what they wanted to hear because they wouldn't stop screaming at him. I'd like to see those cops try that on me. Bring it." *Flexes*

Enter common sense
Um, the arm gashes on the body were not deep. Of course, the genius coroner never measured or inspected that, but if he had, he would have found that they were consistent with a boat's propeller blades. And that head gash? Caused postmortem, likely by a passing boat. In other words, the dead captain got run over by a boat after he floated to the surface after drowning. He was also found without one of his shoes, which matched the simpleton's story.



So. Who's glad they don't live in Bumblefuck?