The Big Green Monster

I probably should have never taunted the car gods.

After posting about my mom's shit car, a healthy dose of karma decided to swing back my way and send me into a frenzied tailspin over my own shit car.

You see, I own a 1996 Honda Passport. It is, for all intents and purposes, The Big Green Monster. And I adore it.


I have a sunroof, tinted windows, a chrome bumper, a towing hitch... If I were some sort of hybrid gangster/redneck, this would be THE car to own. But still, it's my baby. My mom and I bought it all by ourselves on one hazy afternoon in Memphis sometime in 2002. It's been unbelievably good to me for years and years, and my parents have dumped a lot of money into this beast to keep it alive.

But, apparently, one bitchy post about crappy cars can undo 8 years of maintenance.

As I was driving my brother back to his apartment this weekend (because I'm basically the nicest sister ever), I pushed the accelerator and IT GOT STUCK! It's Toyota's Antichrist!

Like I tend to do when my life flashes before my eyes, I. Freaked. Out. My heart started pounding and I started shaking a bit. Thankfully, the brakes worked just fine... but every time I needed to accelerate, the accelerator would stick. Let's just say it was the worst drive home I've ever had since the steering wheel of my 1988 Mitsubishi Galant locked up. (Yeah, I have a great track record with busted-ass vehicles.)

So, Dave and I had to have The Conversation about our options. At what point do we let the car go? How long should we wait to get another car? My god, can we even afford to buy another car? What should we get? Would leasing be better than buying right now?

Too many questions! All we decided on was that we'd take the car in to get fixed, but if it cost anything more than a few hundred dollars, it would be time to kiss the Passport goodbye and figure out our next move.

While the car was at the shop, I spent a little time on the Interwebs daydreaming about cars I may or may not be able to buy. I even joked that my mom could give us HER shit car when she gets a new one, but then I remembered how much I fucking hate minivans. Gew.

Sooo, while I was busy getting ahead of myself, the mechanics were busy fixing The Big Green Monster. They were able to patch up the nasty accelerator problem, but when they went to change the oil, we ran into a new set of issues.

It appears that one of my gaskets is leaking oil while the other is "literally pouring oil out."

Lovely.

So, since fixing that shit would cost more than half the value of the car, we decided not to mess with it. This means that our driving is limited to about 30 miles at a time and that we'll have to keep loading the car up with oil just about every second.

And now, instead of taunting the car gods, I am praying to them. Praying that the Monster will suffer a slow, slow death so we can continue driving it. Praying that a truck delivering oil breaks down in front of my house so I can raid it like one of the 14-year-old neighborhood gang members. Praying that we can soon afford a "new" car so we can stop pouring time, money, energy and worry into this one.

In the meantime, can I have a ride to No More Bullshit Land, please?