Monday, March 29, 2010

Mom's shit car

As I mentioned once in a previous post, I have this undeniable prejudice against minivans.

To me, they scream I'M A MOM, I KNOW WHAT THE WIGGLES ARE, I DON'T CARE THAT THERE'S VOMIT ON MY SHIRT AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M LATE TO A TEE-BALL GAME, SO GET OUT OF MY WAY.

In a word, they're gross.

My mom is a freakishly proud minivan driver. She does not have young children. She does not have after-school activities to carpool to. There is no actual reason why she should be driving one of these beasts.

Well...

Except for the fact that she bought the minivan in freakin' 1998.



Oh, yes. It's not just a beast, it's an ancient beast.

Back in 1998 when she bought it (after her station wagon started spewing smoke and refused to run anymore), she did have 3 children living in her house. So I guess it served its purpose.

But now?

Now, she needs a new car. And I'd like to emphasize the word "car."

I have suggested a nice, reliable sedan. But she vetoed it because she "wants to be able to tow things."

My mother, the barely-reformed hippie from New York, wants to tow things. Not that she has ever done this. Not that she ever will. But she wants the option. So, cars are out.

I then suggested a nice, reliable SUV or crossover. She whined about their gas mileage and started daydreaming about hybrid minivans.

"Woman, stop it with the fucking minivans!" I told her. "You don't have any kids to cart around anymore. You're a classy, mature adult and you need a car that reflects that."

"Ugh, FINE," she said. "Can I have one with a CD player?"

...

Um.

Yes. It's not 1998 anymore.

"Okay, well what about a cassette player?" she asked. "I need to be able to listen to my tapes."

WHO still has tapes?

My mother.

I had to break it to her that I didn't think any vehicle on the road had a cassette player anymore, but I tried to distract her from this issue by showing her pretty pictures of vehicles I'd like to drive myself.

Anyway, within the next few months, she's going to test drive some of these vehicles and finally understand the beauty of dashboards that don't creak, seats that move automatically, radio knobs that aren't broken off, doors that work and CD players that come standard. I'm pretty sure her head's going to explode.

Soon, we'll all be able to say, "Welcome, Fran, to 2010."

5 comments:

That Kind of Girl said...

aww, I remember the crappy Aerostar van my mom drove when I was a kid! Greased Lightning, we called it! When it turned 11 and we knew it didn't have much time left on this earth, my mom invited some of our friends over and we had a retirement/birthday party for it, with cake and everything.

...we were in high school at the time, btdubs. Which tells you how weirdly attached we were to this van.

Erin said...

Blech. I hate minivans. Unfortunately, I will soon be the proud owner of one. 2 babies + 2 dogs + GIGANTIC double stroller + all other baby crap = I'm getting a minivan. So, so sad.

Jessica (Bayjb) said...

I don't hate minivans but the old school ones are so big they should beep when you back up. I'm glad your mom is going to test drive and see the error of her ways

Shellbell said...

long live the sienna!!! but seriously fran, get yourself something purty. Think "luxury", you deserve it!

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