Kids are so stupid. Or maybe it was just me.

You know how sometimes you just want kids to go away so you can have an adult conversation without worrying about saying anything bad?

Well, apparently, it's not very effective to say, "GET AWAY FROM ME, CHILD." It requires more creativity.

For my own parents, they used to tell me that it was time for "grown-up talk."

And can I tell you something?

I seriously thought they were speaking in a different language.

I KNOW, how idiotic. But when they used words like government, stock market, Reagan, Rain Man, mullet and assholes, I had no idea what they were saying. The only logical conclusion was that this mysterious grown-up talk was a new foreign language that I wouldn't learn until I was older.

I remember hiding out in the bathroom near our living room once, just hovering by the door trying to see if I could make out any of the words my parents were saying. Maybe I could teach myself some of this new language before I was a grown-up. I got caught and was sent back to my room to play with my brother and sister. (I think that's when I started grasping the concept of GOD DAMMIT.)

Anyway, I tell you this because it's important for you to know that little kids are stupid and will believe anything you tell them. So take advantage of this now, for as long as you can. Go forth and be a grown-up.