Twilight, part two

Ang, Maris and I just watched Twilight part two.

I'm still not clear whether this was Breaking Dawn or New Moon, but there was definitely no sex in it. Much like my first review of a Twilight movie, it was hilarious.

The movie starts out with Bella in a field with an old lady, who I assumed was her dead grandma. Turns out, it's her old self, in a dream...? Or something? I mean, she IS turning 18 which is SO FUCKING OLD. (So. What's the symbology there?)

Next thing that happens is Jacob running into the scene with his long, gross hair. Instead of hoping for a sex scene, I start praying that this is the movie where he chops off that god-awful mane. (Spoiler: it is.)

Speaking of hair, Bella basically doesn't shower for the entire movie and her hair looks way worse than mine after 3 days of not showering and 24 hours sitting in the rain with no access to an umbrella. Tragic.

There's also a lot of rain in the movie.

Aside from the long man-hair, greasy girl mop, rain and not-so-subtle symbolism, the second Twilight movie is also filled with shirtless men. Or maybe "men," in quotes, since I think they may be 17 and under. Related: how many 17-year-olds do you know who have broad shoulders and six-packs? Not in my high school, kiddos. Not in my high school. Or my adulthood, except for the gays.

Oh, and did I mention they kill off the one black guy in the entire movie? I bet he was half-Jewish too. As two half-Jews, Maris and I are one-whole offended. I think. (There was a decent amount of wine and champagne during this viewing so things get a little hazy...)

What else do you need to know? Edward didn't really make an appearance except for weirdo ghost-like visions in Bella's head, Dakota Fanning looked pretty, Carlisle started developing a British accent, Edward wore a robe that I really think was a dress for Hugh Hefner-esque cross-dressers...

Other random events:

• Edward and Bella say "I love you." About 4 second later, he dumps her. Bye, bitch.

• To illustrate the passing of time, we see Bella sitting in a chair while the camera swirls around her and the months pass by on the screen.

• Bella has crazy screaming dreams and her dad rushes into her room to comfort her every time. Something about her being a grown woman makes me feel weird about this.

• Bella gets all bad-assy after the breakup and jumps on a random motorcycle with a random dude who looks more like a teddy bear than the murderous thug we're supposed to think he is. AND she does this even though Ghost-Edward tells her not to. Bye, bitch.

• We realized that the chick who plays Bella's BFF Jessica is the same girl who appears in Up in the Air. Thanks, IMDB!

• Vampires still run fast.

• JACOB FINALLY CUTS HIS HAIR. I guess turning into a werewolf does that to a guy.

• Speaking of Jacob, he totally parkours up Bella's house to get into her bedroom. Pretty sure he was shirtless.

• Bella goes off the deep end -- literally -- when she hurls herself off a cliff into the murky water below. She pops up, floats around for a while on the surface, then "slams" her head into a rock... I CALL BULLSHIT. Do you know how hard it is to move fast in the water? I don't think you could knock yourself out if you tried. But, no matter, because a shirtless Jacob saves her.

• Bella continues to be depressed, at which point I urge her to invest in some Lexapro. And maybe take a shower.

• Bella keeps acting like she's into Jacob and going to kiss him, but never does. Because she hates abs?

• Bella keeps trying to email Edward's sister with the bad hair (I guess bad hair is a major theme in the movie), but all emails go to that goddamn Mailer Daemon. Send fail, Bella.

• Buuuuut, Alice still shows up at Bella's door because Alice see the future! And she saw Bella throw herself off the cliff! And get knocked unconscious! And die! ...Except that last part didn't happen. Geez, Alice, take a lesson from Sylvia Browne and get your psychic shit together.

• Bella and Alice fly to Italy via Virgin airlines, which Angie says had monitors on the seats and you can message people in other seats, all creepy-like. I hope that's not a lie. because that sounds awesome.

• At the end of the movie, Bella wants to be turned into a vampire, which Edward says he'll do "on one condition." ...... "Marry me." I feel like it would have been fantastic is Bella was like, "Look... you're great... but, I mean... being immortal and committing to marriage is, like, a big thing. And have you seen Jacob's abs?"

Eh, that's basically all I remember.

Overall, I have to say that I enjoyed the first one better -- maybe because I had no idea how bad it was going to be and I was just so damn tickled the entire two hours. This time, I expected ridiculousness and I got it. But the edge goes to part one simply because it had the element of surprise.

I'm planning to watch part 3 sometime in the next, like, year or whatever, so let me know if you want to take part of this mess.

Just don't forget the wine.

He called the shit "poop"

If there's one thing I know about my husband, it's that he will always laugh at a poop joke. Without fail. I guess most men will. But one little poop joke recently took his amusement to a level I had never experienced before.

It won't surprise you to learn that the joke came from Louis CK. Before I link it, let me just set the scene...

We are driving back from our beach vacation, listening to one of Louis' sets from 2010. Specifically, Dave is driving and I'm in the front seat.

The joke starts out about Louis' 3-year-old daughter getting bit by a pony and soon drifts into poop territory.

With the first visual description of a turd, Dave bursts out into booms of laughter. His mouth is wide open, his eyes are watering and he is practically having an amusement-induced seizure.

"TAKE...THE...WHEEL," he gasps, in between convulsions.

What the hell is wrong with my husband? I've never seen him so giddy he's practically blind!

I then begin exploding with laughter. Not just because the joke is hilarious (it is) but also because I have never seen this man laugh so hard at anything during our 7 years together.

I grab the wheel and take over the steering while Dave alternates between approving claps and involuntary convulsions. This goes on until I can no longer see the road through my tears and beg him to drive himself. With one hand clutching his stomach, he puts his other hand on the wheel and manages to get through the entire poop joke without killing us.

So what was so funny?

This.

Either that's the most hilarious clip I've ever seen or else I was beyond delusional after hours upon hours of travel.

How Pandora should be

I love Pandora.

I would love this Pandora even more.

Via The Oatmeal

How about a little chemistry talk on Friday?

One of my hilarious coworkers (the same one who came up with this genius idea) sent me a meeting invite this week and gave it this title:

"Contact of elements whose power of hydrogen is greater than seven"

So, of course, I turn to Dave.


Me: What does this mean: Contact of elements whose power of hydrogen is greater than seven

Dave: No idea.

Me: Seriously?


I tell Hilarious Coworker that Dave is clueless, so HC explains.


HC, to me: Power of hydrogen = pH. Ask him what has a pH > 7.

Dave, to me: Things that are basic.
Dave, to me: Soaps.

HC, to me: Yes, so "bases."
HC, to me: And contact = touch.


Ahhh, touch base. Got it. I smile. I ask Dave if he gets it.


Dave: Touch bases?
Dave: Baseball?
Dave: Either that or the meeting is in the bathroom.
Dave: Where the soap is.


HC, to me: Yeah, tell him I scheduled a meeting so you and I can play baseball in the bathroom with soaps.


The master becomes the student.

Responsibility Fail

Several of you guys know that I do a lot of writing/research on the topics of parenting, pregnancy and child care as a part of my job. This leads me to some interesting and HILARIOUS shit on the Interwebs.

Today, I was doing a child care search about babysitting and sitter ages when I came across the always-so-entertaining Yahoo answers.

Question: Is a 15-year-old babysitter really mature and responsible enough to care for kids? (Well, it wasn't quite that coherent, but I gave you the short/intelligent version.)

Answer:


Yes, getting knocked up at 14 is the epitome of responsibility.

I love my job.

Mom learns the Goog

I taught my mom Gmail the other day. It was the single most hilarious thing I have ever done. And that includes all of my attempts at cooking.

Once I set her up with an email address, I introduced her to G-chat -- keeping her on the phone of course, as I walked her through some of the features.

For example, I showed her emoticons, to which she responded, "Oooooo, they're little computer tattoos!" Sure. I figured that enthusiasm was enough of a sign that she was ready for a group chat.


Now, so you know, my sister took over and was typing everything just to show my mom how chatting worked. This is an example of the little gems I get when I talk to my sister online:


Sister: Poop is a palindrome.

Me: Wow.

Sister: Wow is a palindrome too.



So we were really having a conversation with my sister instead of my mom, but you can pinpoint the exact moment Mom took over.



Me: Kid, why don't you use Gmail?

Dave: Yeah, seriously, Gmail is the best.

"Mom": Uhhhh. I plead the fifth.
"Mom": I use my school email.

Me: Just switch.

Dave: Do Gmail. You could probably get [email addresses based on sister's name]. Easy to remember.

"Mom": Or YOURMOMROCKS

Dave: Probably taken already.

"Mom": Or ElleMichelleIsAWhore

Dave: I already reserved that one.
Dave: In case we get divorced.

Me: I WILL KICK YOU IN THE BALLS

"Mom": Mom is LOLing right now. I'm teaching her Internet lingo. She was actual ROFL.

Me: This is definitely the most hilarious thing ever.

Mom: good-by and love to all

Looks like real Mom has decided to make an appearance! And I guess this is her awkward way of saying that she's totally over G-chat.

Me: Oh, you're done now?

Mom: i can only tyoe so much

Me: Okay

Mom: ps this was the big kahuna speaking!!!

I have NO clue where this moniker came from, but my mom has dubbed herself "the big kahuna" ever since my engagement, when she sent us an email through our wedding website that came from "the big kahuna." I was like, who the fuck is that? Anyway, I digress.

Me: hahahaha. You're so freaking weird.

Mom: you hang up first

Me: It's not a phone...

Mom: Did you hang up?

Dave: Oh, God.

Me: Just close the window, Mom.
Mom left.


I was going to tell her we need to do the video chat, but after conversations like this, I don't know if I want to. It's FAR more hilarious to watch her decipher the Internet. Hopefully, there will be more to come.

Gotta have options

Last night, Ang and Suz came over for a packing party where I bribed them with wine to help me shove my crap into flimsy cardboard boxes. They totally went for it, so we packed up most of the kitchen and most of our closet while sipping on sauvignon blanc. I'd call that a success.

I got some fun pictures of the whole charade, but I still need to upload them. Instead, I'll tell you the story of what happened when Ang and I stopped by Whole Foods to get the wine.

We walked up to the checkout lane, armed with 3 bottles of wine and a large bottle of raspberry beer. I put it on the thingy, got out my ID and waited my turn. The checkout boy stared at me, studying my face to make sure he can match it with my license photo. (I assumed.)

When it's my turn, the checkout boy does not touch my alcohol. I'm holding my ID out, but he's not taking it. Just staring. A checkout girl swoops in and takes my ID and rings me up.

That's right, folks. This kid wasn't old enough to sell us alcohol. But that didn't stop him from trying to hit on me. (Score?)


Boy: So, you guys gonna drink all that tonight?

Me: Um, yeah.

Ang: (briskly) It won't be enough.
She goes back to her phone call.

Me: Actually, she's probably right.

Boy: Well, if you let me give you my number, maybe I can come over and help you drink it.


Ballsy! And let me tell you, I rarely get hit on. So whenever it does happen, I love it because it means I can run home to Dave and be like, "BE NICE TO ME. I HAVE OPTIONS." This exchange, however, had me feeling weird. I think I'm 7 or 8 years older than this guy. (On a related note, what's cougar territory?)


Me: Well, it's kind of a girls night tonight...
Oh, and my husband will be there.

Boy: You could pretend I'm a girl.


Okay, this sounds like it's going to a freaky place that I want no part of.


Me: ....

Boy: (quickly) I could bring stuff over. What do you need?

Ang: (chiming in) FOOD.

Boy: I could bring food. You like cereal? How about cereal?


Something was not right with this kid. I mean, of COURSE I like cereal. But, dude, we're drinking wine. Wine and cereal? That's your big idea? That's how you're gonna win me over? I'm sorry, you're gonna have to step it up a bit. I'm not going to leave my husband for cereal. Maybe offer something with goat cheese and then we'll talk.

Looks like my options are dwidling, people. Guess I'm stuck with Dave, the attractive, brilliant man who cooks, cleans and puts up with my shit more than I deserve. Sigh.

Rosh Ha-Who?

As a half Jew, I'm half offended.

Link (Defamer, but Zannie found it.)

I just got hate-spammed

Funny Friday

If you don't laugh so hard you nearly pee your pants, then we can't be friends.

This is an Indian version of Thriller with subtitles that reflect what the language sounds like. Trust me, you want to see this.



Watch on YouTube.


And, just because it's Friday, here is a little inspiration to help you make it through the day.





Watch on YouTube.


HAPPY WEEKEND!

Photo Blogging: Bachelorette Party

As promised, here are pics from the bachelorette party.

Not sure what's going on that hand, but my other has a drink, so it's cool.

It looks broken, but I think it's just THAT complicated.

Rawr.

But, wha... I mean, how...?

Seriously, wtf.

My SILs, in a state of competence.

Hey, did anyone forget a dildo?

My coffee table. Sex toys, wine and watermelon. Sounds about right.

Someone needs a smoke after all that.

On to dinner!

Hmm, what to order?

Patiently awaiting my order...

Wa hoo! Who needs food?

Just kidding. I definitely need food.

Sisters.

The gals.

Bring on the Latin dancers!

And the one Latin clapper...

Dance party: This is what we thought we looked like, all soft and cool.

This is what we really looked like.

Posing with the Latin dancer (fuck the clapper).

SILs, in a less-than-competent state.

More pointing. It's better than clapping.

...But not better than DANCING.

The walk home, attempting it on their own.

Getting a little more assistance. Walking is hard.

WOO FIRES!

If any of that didn't make sense to you, go back and read the bachelorette party recap. It will all come together.

Brand Tags. Too fun.

I found this in one of my media blogs and it has provided TOO much fun for a Tuesday afternoon:

http://www.brandtags.net/

On Brand Tags, you find out what people really think when they see your brand logo. Insightful, from a marketing perspective. Hilarious, from a procrastinating editor perspective. Here are some of my favorites:


Jim Beam
I quickly wrote "redneck." I didn't even think about it! How telling. I'm not the only one though -- several other people also associate that term with the brand, along with "hillbilly" and "white trash." (As a side note, not too many people can spell "whiskey" correctly... See previous sentence for explanation why.)

Taco Bell
I personally love the Bell. It's cheap and it doesn't fuck up my world like it does for some people. I actually didn't know how badly it messes with folks until I saw that "diarrhea" was one of the most common terms. Ew. I'll still eat it, though.

Comcast
I wrote "assholes." While a bunch of people wrote "comcastic" (suck ups), others preferred terms such as "evil," "jerks," "liars," "shit," "slow" and "sucks." Sounds about right to me. And then I saw that a couple of people wrote "who?" Lucky bastards.


Interesting tidbits:

• Not many people wrote "Britney Spears" for Cheetos. Am I the only one who is obsessed with the genius that is Dlisted?

• Tons of people think NASA is "cool" and "awesome." Indeed, but is that really the FIRST thing you think of? Seriously, put down the Jim Beam and focus.

• People don't seem to understand the difference between Bobbi Brown (cosmetics) and Bobby Brown (crack).

• More people associate The Simpsons with FOX News than they do Bush.

I'm sure I'm missing some other fabulous stuff, but I wanted to leave some gems for you to find on your own. How else would you spend your Tuesday afternoon?

The most disturbing thing about this...

...is the misuse of the word "your." Yeah, yeah, it's intentional. I'm still annoyed by it, but not annoyed enough to keep this glorious image to myself. I mean, LOOK at that thing. Creepy yet hilarious.