Twilight, part two

Ang, Maris and I just watched Twilight part two.

I'm still not clear whether this was Breaking Dawn or New Moon, but there was definitely no sex in it. Much like my first review of a Twilight movie, it was hilarious.

The movie starts out with Bella in a field with an old lady, who I assumed was her dead grandma. Turns out, it's her old self, in a dream...? Or something? I mean, she IS turning 18 which is SO FUCKING OLD. (So. What's the symbology there?)

Next thing that happens is Jacob running into the scene with his long, gross hair. Instead of hoping for a sex scene, I start praying that this is the movie where he chops off that god-awful mane. (Spoiler: it is.)

Speaking of hair, Bella basically doesn't shower for the entire movie and her hair looks way worse than mine after 3 days of not showering and 24 hours sitting in the rain with no access to an umbrella. Tragic.

There's also a lot of rain in the movie.

Aside from the long man-hair, greasy girl mop, rain and not-so-subtle symbolism, the second Twilight movie is also filled with shirtless men. Or maybe "men," in quotes, since I think they may be 17 and under. Related: how many 17-year-olds do you know who have broad shoulders and six-packs? Not in my high school, kiddos. Not in my high school. Or my adulthood, except for the gays.

Oh, and did I mention they kill off the one black guy in the entire movie? I bet he was half-Jewish too. As two half-Jews, Maris and I are one-whole offended. I think. (There was a decent amount of wine and champagne during this viewing so things get a little hazy...)

What else do you need to know? Edward didn't really make an appearance except for weirdo ghost-like visions in Bella's head, Dakota Fanning looked pretty, Carlisle started developing a British accent, Edward wore a robe that I really think was a dress for Hugh Hefner-esque cross-dressers...

Other random events:

• Edward and Bella say "I love you." About 4 second later, he dumps her. Bye, bitch.

• To illustrate the passing of time, we see Bella sitting in a chair while the camera swirls around her and the months pass by on the screen.

• Bella has crazy screaming dreams and her dad rushes into her room to comfort her every time. Something about her being a grown woman makes me feel weird about this.

• Bella gets all bad-assy after the breakup and jumps on a random motorcycle with a random dude who looks more like a teddy bear than the murderous thug we're supposed to think he is. AND she does this even though Ghost-Edward tells her not to. Bye, bitch.

• We realized that the chick who plays Bella's BFF Jessica is the same girl who appears in Up in the Air. Thanks, IMDB!

• Vampires still run fast.

• JACOB FINALLY CUTS HIS HAIR. I guess turning into a werewolf does that to a guy.

• Speaking of Jacob, he totally parkours up Bella's house to get into her bedroom. Pretty sure he was shirtless.

• Bella goes off the deep end -- literally -- when she hurls herself off a cliff into the murky water below. She pops up, floats around for a while on the surface, then "slams" her head into a rock... I CALL BULLSHIT. Do you know how hard it is to move fast in the water? I don't think you could knock yourself out if you tried. But, no matter, because a shirtless Jacob saves her.

• Bella continues to be depressed, at which point I urge her to invest in some Lexapro. And maybe take a shower.

• Bella keeps acting like she's into Jacob and going to kiss him, but never does. Because she hates abs?

• Bella keeps trying to email Edward's sister with the bad hair (I guess bad hair is a major theme in the movie), but all emails go to that goddamn Mailer Daemon. Send fail, Bella.

• Buuuuut, Alice still shows up at Bella's door because Alice see the future! And she saw Bella throw herself off the cliff! And get knocked unconscious! And die! ...Except that last part didn't happen. Geez, Alice, take a lesson from Sylvia Browne and get your psychic shit together.

• Bella and Alice fly to Italy via Virgin airlines, which Angie says had monitors on the seats and you can message people in other seats, all creepy-like. I hope that's not a lie. because that sounds awesome.

• At the end of the movie, Bella wants to be turned into a vampire, which Edward says he'll do "on one condition." ...... "Marry me." I feel like it would have been fantastic is Bella was like, "Look... you're great... but, I mean... being immortal and committing to marriage is, like, a big thing. And have you seen Jacob's abs?"

Eh, that's basically all I remember.

Overall, I have to say that I enjoyed the first one better -- maybe because I had no idea how bad it was going to be and I was just so damn tickled the entire two hours. This time, I expected ridiculousness and I got it. But the edge goes to part one simply because it had the element of surprise.

I'm planning to watch part 3 sometime in the next, like, year or whatever, so let me know if you want to take part of this mess.

Just don't forget the wine.

1 fun facial and many awkward moments

I went and got my first facial ever with Angie yesterday. After a bloody mary brunch, we popped over to the Aveda Institute to indulge in a little pampering. (Is there a better way to spend a Friday afternoon?)

Let me rephrase. I got pampered.

Ang got... awkwardly prodded, I would say.

After checking in, we waited for our facialists (?) to come get us. An adorable, tall, slender gay guy walked over to the waiting area.

"Lisa?"

Woo hoo! I smiled and followed him back to his area.

Ang patiently waited for her person. A cute, petite girl about our age walked up. Angie smiled.

The cute girl did not call Angie's name.

I imagine Angie scowled a bit as she waited some more. A large, white-trashy woman with red hair and no make-up waddled up.

"Angie?" she barked.

Ooof.

So, from the moment we got picked up by our facialists, we had very different experiences.


My guy: Discussed different facial options based on my skin type.
Ang's girl: Didn't.

My guy: Asked about my current skincare routine and made great recommendations.
Ang's girl: Obsessed over Angie's great skin in a creepy, I-want-to-wear-it kind of way.

My guy: Spoke in a soft, soothing voice.
Ang's girl: Spoke like a trucker shouting to a friend across the bar.

My guy: Gently took off my make-up before beginning.
Ang's girl: Was mesmerized by Ang's "purple eyeshadow." Except it wasn't eye shadow. It was the black eye she'd told this chick about 10 min ago.

My guy: Asked me if I was comfortable.
Ang's girl: Asked her if she "HEARD WHAT THAT TEACHER JUST SAID, HAHA."

My guy: Gave great foot, hand, arm, shoulder and neck massages.
Ang's girl: Kneaded her like a loaf of bread.

My guy: Had me fill out a comment card and quickly tossed it into a basket.
Ang's girl: Had her fill out a comment card and then read it.

My guy: Got a good tip.
Ang's girl: Didn't.


I begged Ang to post about the experience on her own blog so you can get the full effect. Trust me, I don't do it justice.

Anyway, this experience has me convinced that I need a facial every 5 weeks. I also just bought some fun stuff on Sephora, thanks to a gift card from my SIL. With all this and a little dedication, I'll be looking like a preteen in no time.


UPDATE: She posted!

You see it, right?

American Idol's Nate with our own drunk Angie.

I just don't understand the kids these days.

The latest technology

Hilarious Coworker thinks our iPhones look like wallets, so he's started pulling his wallet out whenever someone gets on their iPhone. He calls it his W-Phone, and it's clearly way, way cooler than anything I'll ever own.

Now that Gmail has come out with video chats, Hilarious Coworker is once again coming up with his own much cooler alternative to real-time video: the W-Chat, since it's apparently W-Phone compatible.

He stopped by our desks yesterday morning to bring us the latest and greatest in W-brand video chat technology.

Behold.




You're looking at the world's first W-Chat prototype. The way W-Chat works is that those images are propped up against the computer while you're in a chat with those people.

And even though none of us had any say in what pictures got chosen for this genius tech project, do I glare a lot, so that image is pretty much what I'd look like in a video chat too.

Thanks to recent upgrades in W-Chat, Hilarious Coworker also incorporated expressions into his latest software release.

He once again stopped by our desks to deliver each of us our own strip of paper with various expressions that he stole from Facebook and Flickr.




To really show our emotions, we have a very high-tech system in place:





So, now I just look really, really creepy to anyone who walks past my office while I have these pictures propped up against my computer. But, hey, that's how W-Chat goes. No one ever said technology was supposed to make life easier. Wait....


And yes, this is what we do at work sometimes.

Halloween

I brought my camera along this Halloween and -- get this -- actually remembered to USE IT.

This is good for you because it means you get to see the purse genius (not mine) that surfaced this holiday when people put on their awesome costumes.

Anyway, Dave and I put on our costumes and headed over to Ang's before going to a party. I dressed as either a drunk 60s housewife, a Stepford wife or Karen from Will & Grace, depending on who you asked. My costume consisted of a black dress, apron, pearls, a martini glass and a cigarette. I guess I didn't take any pictures of myself, but Ang might have a few..?


UPDATE: Here's one..



Dave, on the other hand, was a New Haircut. It was HILARIOUS because he was so dead-on, but the funniest part was that most people at the party thought he was for real. They would ask, "Who brought that douche?" And I'd be like, "Yeah, seriously."




So Dave was very much in character. All my character required was a bored look and slurred speech, so I guess I was in character too.

Nothing is in my head. It's just the "blood" on the cabinet.

On to more pics:

What do new haircuts do? JAGERBOMBS, JAGERBOMBS, JAGERBOMBS.

Blossom is too young for liquor and Cindy McCain only approves of prescription pills.

Stef is from The Birds!

Heroes in a half shell.

Yum, beer in a martini glass. That's what we call klassy.

Looks like Cindy loosened up a bit. God bless America and blueberry vodka.

Oh, how teen pregnancy is hilarious.

Is it time for more jagerbombs already?

Sweeney Todd

Ang was a Trev magnet (since she attracts so many redheads...). And she stole a gun from Indiana Jones.

Our sweet little blogger got a little trigger happy.

Watch out, Indy. This chick means business.

Guy on the right is The Shocker.

What's wrong, Cindy? Out of vodka already?

Fav pic EVER: A Trev asking Angie what her costume is. Oh, irony, I love you.

Saw this when we went to the bathroom. Totally not real. Totally freaky.

Hey, broski, where's your Heineken?

Ole!

Smooches.

Joe Sixpack on the train.

It's like she JUST realized there were birds there.

Other memorable costumes I saw but didn't get a picture of:

• Jem
• Cruella Deville
• Ace & Gary, the Ambiguously Gay Duo
• Garth from Wayne's World
• Girls dressed really slutty
  

Me, Ang, Dave and Stef called it an early night and headed out to get food around midnight. Dave and I were home by 2 and he was passed out by 2:01. Even after 3 jagerbombs and many Heinekens, he was completely fine in the morning. That always happens. I hate him for it.

Hope you all had a fun Halloween too!!

Gotta have options

Last night, Ang and Suz came over for a packing party where I bribed them with wine to help me shove my crap into flimsy cardboard boxes. They totally went for it, so we packed up most of the kitchen and most of our closet while sipping on sauvignon blanc. I'd call that a success.

I got some fun pictures of the whole charade, but I still need to upload them. Instead, I'll tell you the story of what happened when Ang and I stopped by Whole Foods to get the wine.

We walked up to the checkout lane, armed with 3 bottles of wine and a large bottle of raspberry beer. I put it on the thingy, got out my ID and waited my turn. The checkout boy stared at me, studying my face to make sure he can match it with my license photo. (I assumed.)

When it's my turn, the checkout boy does not touch my alcohol. I'm holding my ID out, but he's not taking it. Just staring. A checkout girl swoops in and takes my ID and rings me up.

That's right, folks. This kid wasn't old enough to sell us alcohol. But that didn't stop him from trying to hit on me. (Score?)


Boy: So, you guys gonna drink all that tonight?

Me: Um, yeah.

Ang: (briskly) It won't be enough.
She goes back to her phone call.

Me: Actually, she's probably right.

Boy: Well, if you let me give you my number, maybe I can come over and help you drink it.


Ballsy! And let me tell you, I rarely get hit on. So whenever it does happen, I love it because it means I can run home to Dave and be like, "BE NICE TO ME. I HAVE OPTIONS." This exchange, however, had me feeling weird. I think I'm 7 or 8 years older than this guy. (On a related note, what's cougar territory?)


Me: Well, it's kind of a girls night tonight...
Oh, and my husband will be there.

Boy: You could pretend I'm a girl.


Okay, this sounds like it's going to a freaky place that I want no part of.


Me: ....

Boy: (quickly) I could bring stuff over. What do you need?

Ang: (chiming in) FOOD.

Boy: I could bring food. You like cereal? How about cereal?


Something was not right with this kid. I mean, of COURSE I like cereal. But, dude, we're drinking wine. Wine and cereal? That's your big idea? That's how you're gonna win me over? I'm sorry, you're gonna have to step it up a bit. I'm not going to leave my husband for cereal. Maybe offer something with goat cheese and then we'll talk.

Looks like my options are dwidling, people. Guess I'm stuck with Dave, the attractive, brilliant man who cooks, cleans and puts up with my shit more than I deserve. Sigh.

Part of your wooooorld

You know you're getting older when you think King Triton is hotter than Prince Eric.


I mean, I don't think that. I'm still all about the dark-haired, animated hotness of the prince. But Ang, on the other hand, thinks that Kind Triton is a hot piece of merman ass (mer-ass?).

I discovered this when Ang, Zannie and I went to The Little Mermaid Sing-Along the other night.


And, no, that's not creepy of us, so shut it.

The show started at 7:45pm, so we decided to have a few drinks after work. Someone was worried the show would sell out, so we showed up around 5:20 to pick up tickets. Since there was a 5:30 show, we were surrounded by a sea of tiny little girls, several of them dressed in princess costumes as they waited in line.


One of the mothers looked at us all weird and glanced down to see if we had any kids with us. Nope. Just us, lady. Do we really look that scary?


Okay, maybe.

Anyway, since the line was long and the judgmental looks were longer, we decided to skip the early ticket-buying and head straight to the bar. After two hours of Blue Moon, quesadillas and conversations about Plan B, boarding school, work and shitty landlords, we made our way to the theater.

This time, we were surrounded by a sea of equally tipsy 20-somethings all excited to see The Best Disney Movie Ever. Quite a scene.

Contributing to the scene was the fact that we all got goodie bags when we entered the theater. In it, there was a plastic fork (dinglehopper), champagne poppers, a glowstick that I later spilled all over myself, press-on tattoos and jellybeans in a fish-shaped packet.












We sat in our seats going through our goodie bags when Ariel herself appeared. When I say "Ariel," I mean a 30-something woman in a flowy "mermaid" outfit with a crown and a face that said "this is not where I imagined my life would be by this age." She explained when/how we should use all of our goodie bag items throughout the movie and encouraged us to sing along as much as possible. Hey, you got it.



Throughout the movie, we laughed, sang and yelled (Ang kept screaming, "I HATE YOU" whenever Ursula came on sceen) at appropriate and inappropriate times. It was pure magic, I tell you.

Once the movie ended, Zannie and Ang decided to get more drinks and harass the guides at Cha-Cha while I decided to catch a cab. I'm not a start-stop-start-again kind of drinker. If I take a break, I'm done for. So I hopped in a cab and spent the rest of the ride home trying to remove the red glowstick goo from my white shirt. (I did.)

Got home, watched Obama's speech, passed the fuck out.

Not bad for a Thursday.

Twitter makes me feel stupid

Ang just signed up for Twitter today, which means that she harassed me to sign up as well. So I did. And now we both feel much more idiotic than we did when our day started.

We have been learning about Twittering, Twinkles, Twhirls and all sorts of twi-related stuff. We're like lost little puppies being taught to shit outside for the first time. Not the most elegant analogy, I know, but the confusion, awkwardness and language barrier remain the same.

I've also already been asked if my image is a bottle of wine an some underwear. (Thanks, Zannie.) Should make for some interesting followers, no?

Let's see where this ends up...

on twitter: elle_michelle

Don't try this at home... uh.. work

Company-branded lollipops + Photo Booth + procrastination = THIS

I'm so amateur, I didn't know where to look.

Yo.

Beehive 'dos and alien life forms!

Don't act like you're not impressed.

God, we're so creepy.

Ta Da

This is probably, oh, the third or fourth blog I've started in my relatively short lifetime. In general, I'm much more comfortable guest blogging for friends because I get to write to my heart's content without the pressure of consistent posting and WITH some pre-post editing to make me sound much more clever than I did on the first attempt.

But it's time to jump back on the blogger bandwagon and give a few of you something (fun? funny? interesting? boring? unedited!) to read while you're sitting around at work.

I'll try not to let this blog slowly putter into oblivion, mostly because the fabulous Angie took time out of her busy day learning Flash to design that cute little header. Let the fun begin. ;-)