Maybe a map should be next on your list

Just saw a Craigslist posting about a poor guy who lost his laptop.



Seriously, that SUCKS... If you have a decent laptop. My 4-year-old Dell refuses to find wireless and is slower than a tourist trying to walk down Michigan Ave, so that's a different story.

But what struck me with this guy's ad was not the fact that he lost a laptop. It's that he took a cab from Wacker & Clark to Clark & Lake. Observe:



Damn, and I thought I was lazy.

Hey, Lost Laptop Dude, maybe instead of a laptop, you can invest in a map. It's certainly cheaper, and could *probably* have prevented this entire incident in the first place, since it would clearly show you how Point A and Point B are, ya know, a block away from each other.

(Okay, now that I've made fun of the guy for pulling such an idiotic move, I feel kinda bad. I would flip my shit if I lost a good laptop! Even a sort-of good one. Maybe even my super shitty one, I don't know. All that certain is that I'm rubbing salt in his wound. I really can't stop myself from being a jackass, huh?)

Labor Day tourists. Oh, joy.

This is going to be a total Debbie Downer post, I can feel it.

Let's start with something positive...

I love Chicago. I love living in the city, I love the weather right now, I love my swimming pool, I love all the amazing restaurants, I love the great shopping, I love that there's so much to do here even if I choose not to do any of it. (I'm lazy.)

I do NOT love that the Today Show just told a million people that Chicago is a great last-minute Labor Day getaway.

Dammit, Viera! I used to like you!

Because I've been so wrapped up in all this wedding crap, I almost forgot that this weekend is a holiday. Holidays in Chicago = Tourists. Tourists = Super slow walking, taking up the entire fucking sidewalk, crowding the train doors, fanny packs, rampant fashion faux pas, conversing with the bums on Michigan Ave., stopping dead in their tracks in the middle of a busy area, crossing the street without an ounce of reason or a glance at the rapidly approaching traffic, etc. All of that = Unhappy Elle.

I know, I'm grouchy. As I sat on the couch and did my makeup this morning (what?), I heard Meredith Viera do a teaser about how they were going to feature great last-minute getaways for Labor Day.

I stiffened. Grouchiness ensued.

"No," I murmered. "No, don't do it. Don't say Chicago."

I refused to move from the couch until this segment was over. After what seemed like forever (I'm lazy AND impatient -- winning combination), it aired, with an editor from Conde Nast Traveler naming her top picks.

"You leave us out of this, Conde Nast," I threatened.

She didn't. She even tried to play off the DNC and said it's a great excuse to visit Barack's hometown. I collapsed back on the couch.

"God dammit!"

I probably punched the couch too. So, I'm a violent Debbie Downer, I guess.

Anyway, thanks for that, Today Show. You couldn't have said New York, huh? Oh, what's that? You don't want your city to be more crowded than it already is? Not interested in weaving through throngs of people as you try to make it to happy hour before the specials are gone? Didn't want tourists taking all the cabs so you're left standing in front of your building as they all whiz by? Couldn't stand the thought of the rest of them crowding the subways? Yeah. Me neither.

So, if you're coming to Chicago this weekend, well, I automatically like you because you read my blog. We should get some wine. But I swear to God, if you walk super slow or crowd the corner of an intersection so no one can get past you, I'm not going to stop you when you inexplicably decide to walk in front of oncoming traffic.

See ya soon! ;-)

Stop murdering people near my apartment

Dave sent this link to me the other day:
http://tiny.cc/E2o3w

I know you, you're too lazy to click it. I'll give you the gist.

Basically, two guys got shot multiple times at the McDonald's IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD. Three blocks from my apartment. They both drove themselves to the hospital, but one died.

Sad, I know. But do I live in Cabrini? No. South side? No. I live in freakin' River North.

What is the neighborhood coming to??

I usually only have to worry about an invasion of tourists and fanny packs in my neighborhood. Not a flurry of gunfire. (The jury's still out on which I'd rather deal with.) Luckily, the shooting occurred at 4:15 AM so neither I nor anyone normal was out at that hour.

I guess River North is the new Hyde Park...?

Just call me J.Lo

Thanks to Ang, I recently learned about Daily Candy's latest contest asking readers to submit a 50-word tidbit describing their perfect day.

DC promises to make the day happen AND give you a fancy-pants new cell phone on top of it. With such high stakes, I knew my lazy "plunk-me-at-the-pool-with-a-margarita-in-my-hand" idea wasn't going to turn any heads. So I decided to go the celebrity route and demand something I knew I could never do myself. I wrote:

"I'd pull a J.Lo and demand that my favorite Michigan Avenue stores close their doors to everyone except my small entourage so we can shop in tourist-free bliss. We'd then don new outfits and take a limo to dinner at vegetarian Green Zebra, followed by cocktails at swanky Violet Hour."

Snark? Check. Pretension? Check. Inebriation? Check. Not bad for a 50-word limit. Besides, you KNOW how much I hate tourists.

Who wants to be in my entourage?? Ang and J, I already figured both of you. ;-)

I'm still the same jackass I was six months ago

A flashback from a post I wrote a while ago about moving from the Loop to River North

=========

Bums Vs. Tourists
Living in the heart of the Loop has its benefits: easy access to every single train line, easy access to cabs, traveling in the opposite direction of rush hour every day... OK, it looks like that's it. Overall, living downtown kinda sucks. The whole place shuts down at 6pm, those super close trains are super loud, rent is ridiculously high while amenities are low, the Walgreens pharmacy isn't open on Sundays and (my favorite) the bums are numerous.

I've stepped over sleeping (dead?) bums when I've gotten off the train, I've been followed up State Street by relentless lunatics, I've been harassed for change outside my building, I've watched bums steal Bud Light from the 7-11, I've been yelled at by schizophrenics... the list goes on.

And THAT is one main reason why we're moving. That, plus we can get more for our money a mile or two away in River North. And while this new neighborhood of ours in River North doesn't have nearly as many bums, it does have something else.

Tourists.

I would hate to run into someone like me if I were a tourist. I'm impatient, snotty and quick to judge. I roll my eyes when they don't know when to cross the street; I scowl when they get on the train and linger in front of the doors; I cringe at their fanny packs and oversize t-shirts; I sigh when they don't know how to use their CTA cards on the bus; I marvel at their lack of fashion sense.



So I've been asking myself, what's worse? Tourists or bums? Would I rather get asked for money or asked for directions? I can't give out either, so maybe that doesn't matter.

I know I'll miss the convenience of the Loop and the fact that tourists rarely venture into my part of it. But in the end, I wouldn't worry about a tourist stumbling in my path, stinking of booze, grabbing my purse and galumphing away while slurring obscenities at the parked cars.

So I'm going to try to be more tolerant of tourists. That, or I'll just make sure I have a good wine buzz 24/7. I'm a lot nicer when I'm drunk.