Open mouth, insert foot, cash paycheck

Well, folks, it looks like my professional purgatory is coming to an end. Here's how things have gone down.

Sam
Sam, the dude with no real personality (read: not cool work) proposed (offered me the job) with a verrrrry expensive ring (excellent salary). I told him I couldn't accept because I was waiting for Barry. Sam didn't care to wait so he moved on. Bye bye, Sam.

Barry
Oh, Barry. Rather than proposing outright, he asked me to start living with him (writing for free for his blog) for one week. I agreed...but the work I had to do was not suited to my strengths. Suffice to say I was disenchanted. So, after all this time, I broke up with him. I think it was the right thing to do.

Miles
Remember when I was all, oh, this bullshit guy? Well, we're totally getting married. He waited for me, there turned out to be a lot of substance there, I like his family (my new coworkers) and it just feels right. And the work? The work looks awesome. We're talking magazine-style publications, kick-ass marketing campaigns, shocking creative support from the top and lots of room for creativity. We're working out some details now, but the wedding should be at the end of this month.

So there you have it. Retirement will be over, I'll have to start wearing pants again and my bank account won't be so shriveled up. (ZAPPOS, I'VE MISSED YOU.)

It's a new step -- hopefully one in the right direction -- and I'm excited to see what will come next.

Breaking up is hard to do

Well, Miles took a leap and invited me to go away with him for a weekend out of town. To meet his family. To be, ya know, SERIOUS.

(Translation: I was invited to interview at the company's HQ out west. This, after 2 phone interviews, 1 local in-person interview and a writing sample.)

I got a weird feeling like he was going to propose on this trip.

So, like an abnormal person, I panicked. I don't really want to take this step in our relationship. I mean, I'm seeing other people! Other people that I like better! My instinct was to spill my guts to Miles and tell him about my other main prospect (Barry). I don't want to waste Miles' money if I'm not really all that into him. I'll sleep better if I put it out there. But is that the right move, professionally?

To find out, I called my friend to ask her what she thought I should do.

"Well, what if Barry comes back tomorrow and tells you 'no'?" she asked. "Would you want to be with Miles then?"

"Nope," I told her. "Maybe Sam. Most likely Carl. Not Miles though."

We talked through all the details and my friend confirmed my instincts. It was time to have The Talk with Miles. Time to be honest. Time to do the right thing.

Which is what I did on Friday.

And then I held my breath.


Update: Miles totally doesn't care and still wants me to visit. Okay, bud, will do, but this isn't going to end well (for you).

Professional Purgatory

I'm at a point in my coming-out-of-retirement job search that is nothing short of awkward. Uncomfortable. Uncertain.

I don't like it.

I imagine it's a lot like dating a few different guys at once -- one of which you really, really like, but you're still unsure about how he feels. If my job search were a relationship, this is where I'd be with Suitor #1. Let's call him Barry.

Barry and I have flirted before, but we've been on 3 actual interviews dates. He's out of my league, but I'm going for it anyway. Sure, it seems like he might be ready to make it official, but he moves soooo slowly. All my cards are on the table and the final decision rests with Barry now. It's a waiting game. Will he call or won't he? Should I wait? How can I not? I NEED TO KNOW WHERE THIS RELATIONSHIP IS GOING, BARRY. I know you told me you need more time, but I'm dying over here.

In the meantime, there's Suitor #2. We'll call him Sam. Sam and I are going on interview date number 2 this week, and I'm still sorting through my feelings. He means well, he tries hard and he's made it clear we could be together for the long haul. He's got a lot more money than Barry, but less personality. And I don't know how long he's willing to wait while I wait for an official proposal or rejection from my first love.

Then, there's Suitor #3: Miles. Miles is like my boy toy. I'm not terribly interested in him, but I like having him around as an option. We've got our second interview date this week too. Dude can't really afford my tastes, but he adores me and I like the attention. I'm charming the pants off him and using his affection to fill the void I feel from Barry's silence. I know. Pathetic.

Finally, there's Potential Suitor #4. Carl. We have a mutual friend and even though I know nothing about him, that's good enough for me to keep him in the running. She likes him, I'd like him. We could be great together.

And as if this isn't enough of a mind fuck, I'm still giving my number out to other suitors too. Maybe "The One" is still out there.

Or maybe I'm just ridiculously neurotic.

Either way, I'm hoping this mess with all be straightened out within a month so I can get the hell out of professional purgatory. I guess I'm just not meant to play the field.

Summer Updates

Well, it's summer. Bring on the beaches, beer gardens and barbecues. Chicago is an incredible city to live in during these few months, so I plan to take full advantage.

But, before we get to that, there are a few updates I should toss out here...

Goodbye to Oprah

While America said goodbye to their favorite afternoon talk show, I said goodbye to my beloved job. Working on the show was, by far, the greatest job I could have asked for. But, it's time to move on for many of us and I don't think there's a single person on staff who could say they were 100% happy to walk away from this job, these coworkers and this company. (Though, let me say, OW throws one hell of a farewell party.)

My dept -- best people ever.

Hello to Retirement

Where do you go from Oprah? I'm thinking the president...or retirement. You know, go out on a high note. I'm exploring both options right now but if there's ever a time to retire, it's Chicago in the summer. Plus, "retirement" sounds way better than "unemployment." This summer's retirement plans include:

• A trip to the West Coast to see a few friends like Billy, Joe and Dave's cousin.
• Many days spent at my fav beach -- Ohio Street. (Perhaps the only douche-free beach in the city.)
• Exercise. I'm less enthused about this, but it stays on the list.
• A drive to Memphis with the pup(s) to see my folks and all the new shit they're doing to their house.
• Our family vacation to Virginia Beach with my fam, my aunt/uncle and Dave's fam.
• Sleeping in, playing Call of Duty and drinking summery things like Vodka-Lemonades.

Welcoming Margie/Bella/Stella/Roger
Since Dave and I are both free from work this summer, we thought now would be the best time to bring another little furball into our home. So, we had Rocco meet his potential sister about a week ago and they adored each other! Her name is Margie but she responds to Bella, so we were hoping to keep a similar-sounding name. We're thinking "Stella," but my brother has already decided he will be calling her "Roger."

Now we'll be fostering her for two weeks starting on the 13th to see if she'll be a good fit in our home. If she's not, well, then we're never meant to get a second dog because this one is just awesome.

Aaaaand that's it! It's only June 6, but it's already shaping up to be a month of big changes... Hopefully all good.

POTUS

Hello, neglected blog. I wish I had more time to write, but things are too busy right now. So, in the meantime, here's a quick story.

Once upon a time, the President came to my work.

We made eye contact, he smiled, he winked and he said, "How ya doing?"

I think this is what my face did:


The end.

J-O-B

Remember when Dave was interviewing for an internship at a massive, prestigious firm? And we were really excited about it? And he made it to the final round? And then didn't get it? Crushing.

Well, this time around, he interviewed for a full-time position there and landed the job!

*Cue awkward happy dance*

So, he'll still interview at a few other firms to see if he gets to interview there and have a choice about where he'll end up, but regardless of who he works for, this job situation means several things for us:


We'll be able to pay off student loans.
Funny thing about being a grad student -- you don't make enough money to survive. And things (rent, vet visits, car insurance) cost a lot of money. So, Dave has a few loans that will kick in once he graduates. Now that he has a job secured, we'll be able to PAY THEM... and still afford groceries.

At least one of us will have a job come May!
It's likely that I'll be out of a job sometime in the middle part of next year. I know it's coming, so I'm preparing/prepared for it, but I was not looking forward to both Dave and I being jobless. Two unemployed, broke people living in an urban area with their pit bull? We're just one felony charge and an armband tattoo away from the worst stereotype ever.

Summer fun.
Because I'll probably be out of a job next year and I know about it far in advance, I may have the luxury of taking next summer off, with the exception of a few freelance projects. I'll drive to STL to visit friends, lay out at my favorite beach, finish sewing drapes in my apartment and play the part of happy housewife for as long as I can stand it.

Travel times a thousand.
Travel, in theory, sounds like something fabulous. But in the context of Dave's new position, it means that HE will be traveling and I will be staying home. This is definitely a bummer, to put it mildly (and to also use a phrase typically reserved for 80s sitcoms). We'll manage somehow, but I'm not convinced it will be easy.


Yep, things will certainly change around here. Some good, some bad. We'll see how it all plays out, but for now, we're just enjoying the lack of total panic and horror that we'd be feeling had his interviews gone in the other direction. WAY TO GO, DAVE! You earned it.

Gimme an "H"...

..."A"...

..."R"...

..."P"...

..."O"...


What does it spell?

EMPLOYMENT.*

I am in love with 2010 already.


---------------------------------------------------
*3-month contract work, 40+ hours a week.

Should I submit Rocco?

I mean, one of us should pick up a little side work during the slow month of January. Plus, it's 10 bones/hour. Hardy har har. I wish I were making that up.

Laziness abounds

Photo: Frosted Peppercorn

This was my day today:

8:30 -- Wake up and decide it's too early. Promptly fall back asleep.

9:30 -- Wake up and decide it's time to work. Put on a sweatshirt, but decline the pants.

10-12:30 -- Work diligently while slouched on the couch.

12:30-1 -- Eat lunch and flip on the TV for the fabulous daytime shows.

1-5 -- Work some more, less diligently since Desperate Housewives is on in the background.

5-5:30 -- Shower, because it's time to pretend I'm a functional adult.

5:30-5:45 -- Record invoice: $300 for one day's work? Yes, please.

I. Am. Spoiled.

Of course, not all days are like this. Tomorrow I'll be making a dreaded trip to the lady doc before returning home for more work. Last week, I only had a few projects, not multiple projects in one day like I've been having. Next week, I have no idea what I'll be working on. There's definitely an ebb and flow, and the uncertainly can be hard...

But for right now? It's working out.

However, it's also enabling my already-crippling laziness, which is BAD.

So, I feel like I really need to do something more productive with my days, since I'm not bathing until the evening and not putting on makeup, oh, at all. My bright idea is to venture back into the world of exercise.

Here are my options:

• Buy an elliptical so I can mindlessly exercise while watching TV.
• Buy a mat so I can do pilates on these hardwood floors without hurting myself.
• Continue pretending that 10 years of gymnastics excuses me from all future exercise. (AKA, do nothing.)

Let's be honest. God only knows if I'll find the motivation to follow through on working out. But putting it out there like this is the first step.

Or something.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to move on to my jam-packed evening of heating up leftovers and catching up on TV.

I miss shopping

The Scene: I've left my dress in the middle of the floor, in Dave's way. He kicks it.


THEN

"Don't kick my dress! That's a $250 Calvin Klein and it deserves respect!"


NOW

"Don't kick my dress! That's a $30 piece from H&M and it can unravel at any moment!"


The Conclusion: I'm going to transition away from freelancing and look for a full-time job so I can continue to indulge the recklessly irresponsible fashionista in me.

Come on, economy! Bring me something good.

Why daytime TV sucks

When you're home all day looking for jobs, you've often got the TV on in the background. I don't know about you, but I never really paid attention to the types of shows on during the day, until now.

These programs are realllly catering to the "I'm home during the day because I'm unemployed, broke and desperate" crowd.

This is what I feel like the episode descriptions should say...


Cheaters
Hey, you. Yeah, you, the one sitting at home alone with your thoughts. Where's your significant other right now? Work? That's what you think. He's staying late tonight too, you say? That's what this wife thought too, until our PI caught him with ANOTHER WOMAN. Yep, your spouse is totally cheating on you. Think about it. Not like you've got much else to do...

Deal or No Deal
Free money! Now THAT'S a job. Why aren't you getting in on this??

A Baby Story
You're at home right now, lounging by the pool, taking naps, playing with nail polish, eating Pringles, browsing the Interwebs. Know what you could be doing? Vomiting, peeing every two seconds and battling contractions. Isn't it time you started thinking about having a baby?

Judge Judy/Alex/Joe Brown
You're just one bounced check away from landing on one of these shows. Don't fight it.

Sacrifices

When you're unemployed, your full-time job is finding a job... and maybe drinking.

You have a celebratory drink for the new, exciting possibilities. You have a depressed drink for not having a steady income. You have an optimistic drink for the economy. You have a terrified drink for not being able to pay your rent. You have a "calm the fuck down" drink to keep the panic at bay. You have an encouraging drink because you KNOW that you're amazing at your job.

You just drink.

Of course, the Catch-22 here is that drinking costs money. Jobs make money, but you don't have one of those. So it's time for sacrifices.

You quietly switch out your Ketel One for Silver Dragon. You stop going out to bars in favor of a cheaper night in with an even cheaper six-pack of beer. And you actually consider buying BOXED WINE.

*Shudder.*

Alcohol isn't the only area where you have to make some adjustments.

• You realize you'll probably have to settle for a one-bedroom when you move instead of the two-bedroom you've been banking on.

• You start buying Pantene instead of the John Frieda collection.

• You kiss your Dior eye cream goodbye.

• You start wondering if it's really worth it for the $50/month birth control pill that you forget to take half the time anyway.

• You consider jobs that start with "h" and end in "ooker."

• And, this one might be the hardest to swallow, you can't spend irresponsible amounts of money on shoes and clothes.

That's right, folks. It's time for some sacrifices. But there is one sacrifice I will not make:

I will NOT refer to Hilarious Co-Worker as anything but Hilarious Co-Worker.

We may not work together anymore, but some people are too funny to be bothered with literal meanings. So, HC, come hang out sometime. I'll supply the Ramen, you bring the booze.

Busy, you say?

You're actually NOT that busy at work if:

• You get to take lunch without remaining hunched over in front of your computer.
• Your Goog Reader stays under 1000+.
• You still update Twitter every hour.
• You still leave work at 5pm.
• You're on Facebook, like, at all.
• You take personal phone calls and say anything except, "I'm too busy to talk. Can I call you back later?"
• You haven't tried to crawl through an office window and hurl yourself out there just to avoid another meeting.
• You keep talking about how busy you are instead of getting your shit done.
• You have time to write blog posts about what it means to not be busy.

I've been in RFP hell this past week, so I've been ridiculously busy and even more ridiculously cranky. Now that this particular project is over, I've got, oh, an afternoon to relax before I have to move onto another one -- writing a 9,000 word guide/booklet in the next three weeks.

Suffice to say that 2009 is already kicking my ASS.

The latest technology

Hilarious Coworker thinks our iPhones look like wallets, so he's started pulling his wallet out whenever someone gets on their iPhone. He calls it his W-Phone, and it's clearly way, way cooler than anything I'll ever own.

Now that Gmail has come out with video chats, Hilarious Coworker is once again coming up with his own much cooler alternative to real-time video: the W-Chat, since it's apparently W-Phone compatible.

He stopped by our desks yesterday morning to bring us the latest and greatest in W-brand video chat technology.

Behold.




You're looking at the world's first W-Chat prototype. The way W-Chat works is that those images are propped up against the computer while you're in a chat with those people.

And even though none of us had any say in what pictures got chosen for this genius tech project, do I glare a lot, so that image is pretty much what I'd look like in a video chat too.

Thanks to recent upgrades in W-Chat, Hilarious Coworker also incorporated expressions into his latest software release.

He once again stopped by our desks to deliver each of us our own strip of paper with various expressions that he stole from Facebook and Flickr.




To really show our emotions, we have a very high-tech system in place:





So, now I just look really, really creepy to anyone who walks past my office while I have these pictures propped up against my computer. But, hey, that's how W-Chat goes. No one ever said technology was supposed to make life easier. Wait....


And yes, this is what we do at work sometimes.

Don't try this at home... uh.. work

Company-branded lollipops + Photo Booth + procrastination = THIS

I'm so amateur, I didn't know where to look.

Yo.

Beehive 'dos and alien life forms!

Don't act like you're not impressed.

God, we're so creepy.