Just...no.

That is what popped up on my TV this morning.

I thought to myself, "Lisa, you have never seen an episode of Jersey Shore. I know your initial reaction is UGH HATE, but maybe give her a chance."

So I did.

And now I hate myself.

But not as much as I hate the word "guidette."

All the things

My current Facebook status:

Happy Daughter / Mother / Breast Cancer Awareness / Puppy Dog / Wearing-White-After-Labor-Day / Gambling / Palm Tree / Hipster Appreciation / Dyslexia / Tea Party / Pygmy-Goat-Riding-A-Unicycle Day/Week! I love/hate all/some of those things. If you do too, repost, like, comment on, share, print, frame and worship this status.


amirite?


PS - The palm tree mention is throw to my mom.  HI, MOM.

Someone had a bad day

Over the weekend, I received a text from a random (773) phone number informing me, "This is my new number."

Unsure who "my" referred to, I tried to think which of my friends was not only getting a new number but was also absent-minded enough not to tell me who the heck they are. I came up with nothing. Sooo, I responded.

Done. Won't hear from them again, I thought.

The next morning, I was awoken by my phone going off before 8:00. As I do with all communication attempts before I've rolled out of bed, I ignored it.

Then my phone beeped again. Again, I ignored it.

When I woke up an hour and a half later, I checked my phone and saw this:

Oh, dear. My sweet, dumb, mystery person. Not the best morning for you.

So I responded much more directly this time.

And then all was right with the world.

Who-dy what-y?

These are the last few @ replies I've gotten on Twitter.

Spambots and someone who thinks I am her "BF," which I thought meant "boyfriend." And, no, that's not the first time that's happened.

Calm assertive state

I admit it: I've watched quite a bit of Dog Whisperer in my day.

I've learned a lot...namely, little dogs are huge assholes when you act like they are human babies, a swift "SHHHHHPPPPPT" noise will correct many behaviors and Cesar Millan really, really likes rollerblades.

A common theme in the show isn't just training dogs, but having the owners become the Pack Leeeeeeeader. In my house, I like to think I'm Pack Leader, but if we're being honest, this is the one the dogs listen to:

Spray bottle of doom.

[It's filled with water. I don't *actually* Febreze my dog(s)...]

Yep, that's the trick. When the spray bottle comes out, the dogs go right to a submissive state. Oh, you want to bark incessantly at nothing? SPRAY BOTTLE. You're going to play right after eating, so Rocco throws up? SPRAY BOTTLE. You're going to play on my awesome, new couch? SPRAY BOTTLE.

It's hardly parenting pioneering over here, but it works and that's all I care about. I am Mom. I am dominant. And I will spray the shit out of you if you act like a jerk in my house. And then I will cuddle you afterwards because I feel a little guilty. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

Another difference between the North and South

...High School Reunion Edition.


NORTH
My mom's 10-year high school reunion was held at a nightclub in Manhattan.

SOUTH
My 10-year high school reunion will be a family picnic in the middle of the afternoon.


There best be booze, otherwise Jessi, Molly and I are going to look like a bunch of drunk, child-less assholes.

New year, new dating strategies

Match.com: Because nothing says "long-lasting, meaningful relationship" like saki bombs on a first date.