Are you ready for some football? I am.

Last year, I participated in my first fantasy draft. I got the first draft slot (luck) and picked Adrian Peterson (strategy/duh). The rest of my team was solid and I WON MY LEAGUE. Boo yah.

This year, we changed things up a bit and decided to do an auction-style draft. I am scared of change, but it was explained to me something like this: Everyone gets $200 to spend on players. When it's your turn, you nominate a player to the auction and everyone can bid on him to try and out-bid you (and each other). So, theoretically, you could blow $90 on Peterson, but it just depends how much a player is worth to you. Hint: not that much.

Suz also participated in the draft. Her strategy? Pick the hottest guys.






She ended up with those 3 quarterbacks (unnecessary), paid $9 for a $1 defense and threw a few bucks at no-name players for her bench. My prediction? She beats us all.

As for my team, I didn't feel like paying much for Peterson, but I did draft the #1 and #3 running backs: Chris Johnson and Maurice Jones-Drew. Also nabbed Brent Celek, Greg Jennings and David Akers (all good guys I had last year), and took a big QB risk on Kevin Kolb (who?).


Oh, jk, that's not him.

That's just what comes up in Google images when you search for him. Bad omen?

This is the real Kevin Kolb:


Hmm. Not hot, so it's clear Suz would never pick him. But at least he looks serious, right? Right?

Ladies, lemme tell ya, if you ever want to start caring about football, join a fantasy league. Half of what I just wrote up there probably sounds like "blah blah blah football blah blah who cares blah blah hot guys," but I am so much more into the game than I've ever been.

Come Sunday, you'll find me in front of the TV, hoping for another win.

Cousins are fun

When you're Italian, every one of your family members is your "cousin."

I absolutely adore my cousins!

There's my awesome first-cousin...

My fabulous Florida cousin...

My slightly spazzy but wildly successful cousin...

And many more cousins....

I was lucky enough to get to see everyone at this lovely lady's 90th birthday party in NY the other weekend:


WOOOOOOO PARTY!

It was fantastic. There was laughing, drinking and even some games... One game in particular was a sort of family trivia to see which of us knew the Birthday Girl the best. My table/team included my immediate family, plus my dad's brother and his fam.

And we totally cheated.

You see, Birthday Girl's husband told my dad and uncle all the trivia answers the night before the party. Where was she born? What's her favorite drink? What are her two favorite activities? We had it DOWN.

1. Bronx
2. Manhattan
3. Knitting and puzzles

Boom. We were fed plenty of other answers too. Cheaters never lose, right?

Wrong.

Apparently, Birthday Girl decided to change her freakin' answers!

1. Bronx (okay, can't lie about that)
2. Scotch (um, what?)
3. Gambling and puzzles

Sadface.

So, we lost. Like all good losers, we booed and hissed and challenged everything. 'Course, it's hard to be heard in a room full of drunk, competitive Italians, so it made little difference.

Losing aside, the rest of the weekend was a blast.

We danced.

We ate.

We were SERIOUS BAD-ASSES.

We listened to stories.

We Dad got drunk and tortured puppies.

We had homemade beer.

We were sad to leave.

Same time next year, folks? See you then!

Tag team music, in full effect

The scene: Post-dinner last night, still sitting at the table. Dave is mindlessly eating my fries. I am mindlessly eating chocolate chips.


Dave, abruptly: Take these away from me.

I confiscate the fries and give my chocolate the side-eye.

Me: Now you take these away from me.

Dave grabs the bag of chocolate and tosses it aside.

Me, to the dog: That's what we call "tag team," Rocco.

::pause::

Me: Tag team, back again...

::pause::

Dave: No.

Me: ...Check and direct and let's begin!

Dave: Party on, party people, lemme hear some noise.

Together: DC's in the house, jump jump rejoice. Party over here, party over there, wave your hands in the air, shake your derriere. These three words when you're getting busy. Whoomp, there it is.

Me: Hit me.

Dave, shaking his head: My god.

Me: It's gonna be SO easy to embarrass our kids.

I dare you to find a funnier kid

My nephew, ladies and gentlemen:

Boy-crazy or just bat-shit-crazy?

I have never understood girls (well, women) who jump from guy to guy without taking so much as one breath of singledom. I've always been the opposite of that.

Sure, I had a boyfriend for a bit in high school but then I ditched him for the freedom, excitement and adventure of being a carefree coed in a brand new city... with new boys to meet and new boys date.

Except, I didn't really date anyone in college. Unless, of course, you count the gorgeous boy I tried to woo during our junior year. (He's still gorgeous, by the way, but not so interested in the ladies. We also became good friends.)

Regardless, I was always the single one, whereas my friends and roommates actually dated and even had serious boyfriends over the course of our four years together. It was never a "them" versus "me" scenario either; just because they had boyfriends didn't mean we couldn't party together. Single, dating, who cares! Let's go drink some Natty Light!

Fast forward 10 years.

I've been with Dave since I was 22 and we're coming up on our second year of marriage. I went from being the happily single chick to the happily married chick. I've never been the type to date someone just to date or just to have someone around. Why bother?

Then there's my sister.

She is one of those girls who ALWAYS has a boyfriend -- and she's had a ton of them. There was the AWFUL/mean guy when she was 15, the psychotic guy who thought he was Jesus when she was in college, the good-looking-but-dickish addict she met in rehab, the almost-divorced military guy with two kids, the guy she met at a strip club and, my favorite, the normal college grad who had a good job in marketing and no history of addiction.

This last one represented hope. Hope that my sister was growing up, hope that she knew she deserved better than what she'd had, hope that she'd found someone to keep her grounded. Hope that maybe she'd stop jumping around from guy to guy.

GUESS AGAIN, BIG SISTER.

I got off the phone with my mom yesterday and she told me that sis was no longer with Good, Stable Marketing Man.

"Okay, so who's she dating now?" I asked half-jokingly.

"Someone named Justin," my mom answered.

"Seriously?" I asked. "I was just being an asshole about it, but did she really move on that quickly?"

Yes. Yes she did.

So my big question is WHY. Why can't she be single? What's the appeal of being with someone you don't really know? Does she have daddy issues? Then why don't I have daddy issues? Is it her environment? Should she move out of the south and get a chance of pace? Will this infatuation with being in love ever stop? Can I lock her in a closet somewhere until she turns 30, the magic age of maturity?

As someone who never had the patience or interest in dating anyone until it hit me like a ton of bricks with Dave, I fully admit that I just don't get it. Do you? Is it BAD that some girls always have a guy, or are there people who are just wired that way?

Life Lessons 2

Babies

• If you for some reason find yourself with pregnancy tests on your hands, do NOT throw away the box that explains the results. Otherwise, a search of the web will have you convinced it's negative... no, wait... positive... no... negative? WTF SOMEONE TELL ME IF I'M KNOCKED UP OR NOT.

Exercise

• If you're gonna buy an exercise bike, get a recumbent one. It's easier on your back and, besides, who doesn't like lounging while burning fat?

Neighborhoods

• If you live in West Town, as I do, teach yourself the difference between fireworks, cars backfiring and gunshots.

Driving

• When you rent a car for a long drive, make sure it has cruise control on it before you take it off the lot. Fun fact: my rented 2009 Toyota Corolla did not.

• When driving with your dog in the car, remove ALL items he can eat before pulling out of the driveway. Otherwise, you'll spend the better part of your trip clapping, shouting and making awkward, loud noises to get him to stop chewing said things.

Family

• If your mom is on Twitter, teach her that some companies try to solve your problems in 140 characters. Otherwise, she may or may not accuse a customer service rep of trying to scam her.

Shopping

• Get a Costco membership. The liquor prices alone are worth it.

• When you order something from an online vendor, go through their feedback and see how they respond to unhappy customers. If they say things like "YOU'RE LYING," and "You're just plain impossible!" and have curt, defensive responses with lots of !!!, then you know their customer service is shit. Avoid.

Travel

• When you book a flight the first time after you get a dog, make sure the times coordinate well with the boarding facility's pick-up and drop-off times.

No, really, I love going to the vet

As you guys know, I love my dog. He is my first child, he's a little cuddle monster and I call him embarrassing things like boogie-woogie, pop-rocks, Rocco-Paco-Taco and pumpkin-head. It's nonsensical, shameful and adoring all at once.

You also know that he is going through his jerky teenage years, which makes me want to rip my hair out.

What you don't know is that he's been to the vet way too many times in the last six months.


Vet Visit 1: Rocco gets checked out and up-to-date on his shots. Harmless, necessary and pricey.

Vet Visit 2: Rocco has been shitting and puking pink stuff, which turns out to be blood. UM WHAT!?

Vet Visit 3: Rocco starts wheezing/coughing, like it's hard for him to breathe -- and it's not kennel cough...

Vet Visit 4: Rocco gets his next round of shots and tears apart my legs while I try to hold him down for the bordetella. Fun.


At this rate, we should be seeing the vet again by Halloween for something equally random and distressing. I think this last visit was enough to traumatize him though, so maybe he'll stop, you know, getting sick all the time. Fingers crossed.

Also, right about now, I'm wishing he was 50 pounds lighter and 1,000 times weaker so I could actually control him during vaccinations. It took Dave, me, a vet tech and the vet cornering the poor dog and holding him with all our might just to do the bordetella -- which is an up-the-nose injection. (Yeah, I'd freak too.) After several attempts and various struggles, we gave up and just gave him the skin shot version. And after that? Rocco plopped on the floor and sprawled out, all smiles. Me? I went and nursed my wounds.

Oh, Rocco-Paco-Taco.

I guess this is my payback for the humiliating nicknames.

Vacation recap

It's already been a few weeks since we were at the beach, but there's nothing like a look back to make you miss the fun more than ever...


THE 12-HOUR DRIVE

Leaving around 5am makes Dave goofy
It makes me sleepy

The pink bike rack, however, is unaffected

THE BEACH

Okay, we didn't actually take any pictures out on the beach. Except this one. Oops.

THE FISHING TRIP

We went deep sea fishing at the crack of dawn

We caught sting rays...

...and sharks!

My sister was very excited

And, of course, I slept some more

THE FOOD

Food porn, commence!

THE REST

We also hit up Busch Gardens. 90* angle drops? Yes, please

We played with sparklers

Watched a big storm roll through

Played games

And hung out on the porch with cool cocktails

T-minus 345 days until we do it all again.

A picture's worth a thousand words

Sparklers are fun.