Thursday, June 19, 2008

Bridezilla Strikes Again

I know that some of you truly enjoy my Bridezilla stories. I know the appeal is in the incredulity that someone can ACTUALLY behave so erratically, irrationally and downright crazy. So I think you'll enjoy this recent Bridezilla story, which is chock full of ridiculous behavior...

Bridezilla and Patient Groom were a little behind on their wedding invitations, so Bridezilla was in a slight tizzy when the envelopes finally arrived from the calligrapher. She carefully (neurotically) lined up all of the invites, response cards, response envelopes, direction cards, etc. on the floor of her apartment while Patient Groom was on his way home from work. She quickly realized something was missing...

Stamps.

Bridezilla panicked. She knew Patient Groom has already bought 100 normal stamps, but she had changed her mind about those. Now, she wanted the pretty wedding stamps. And she wanted them NOW.

Bridezilla picked up the phone to call Patient Groom and demand her perfect wedding stamps.

He did not answer.

At this point, Bridezilla's anxiety shot up and her blood started boiling. How DARE he not answer his phone when there's clearly an emergency going on. In between her frantic dials, she decided to check to see if the post office was even open. It was, but only for another half an hour. Bridezilla realized she was in a time crunch. Her sanity was dwindling by the minute. Sure, she could have gone out herself, but come on. That's not what Bridezillas do.

She heard keys jingle in the door. Bridezilla threw down the phone and jumped up from the floor.

Patient Groom walked in. "Hi hone--"

"Stamps! We need stamps!"

"Huh? I bought stamps."

"NO. I want the wedding stamps and I need double that -- you forgot to get stamps for the response envelopes! Hurry!"

Patient Groom put his bag down. "But... isn't the post office closed?"

"NOOOO. I checked, you have 20 minutes. GO! I need them now!!"

"But..."

"NOW."

Patient Groom grumbled, grabbed his keys and took off.

While he was gone, Bridezilla tried to compose herself. Deep breaths, she told herself. This is gonna be just fine.

Except it wasn't fine. Patient Groom called a few minutes later. "Can you weigh the invites? I need to know the postage to get."

"How?? Put them on the damn bathroom scale?"

"No, use the digital scale in the kitchen," he replied calmly.

Oh. Right. Bridezilla jumped up and frantically searched the kitchen. She could not find the scale. If she had any more sanity to lose, this would have been the point it all disappeared.

"Where the shit is the scale??"

"You know what? Never mind, I know what to do. Don't worry about it."

"UGH, whatever." Bridezilla hung up on him.

She sat on the floor in front of her assembly line of invitation materials and allowed herself to get more worked up. Why would he ask me to weigh the invites when he KNOWS I don't know where the scale is? Is he crazy? she wondered.

So she did what any Bridezilla would do. She called him back to yell at him.

"Why would you ask me to weigh the invites? What were you THINKING?"

"I don't know," Patient Groom said. "It doesn't matter, I just bought the Forever stamps and I got 200. We're fine."

Forever stamps? Sounds kinda pretty. Bridezilla calmed down for a second. Patient Groom continued...

"Yeah, they showed me the wedding ones and one was an ugly red heart and the other was a green heart that looked really Irish, so I didn't get those."

Whatever, Bridezilla thought. At least it's not the ugly Liberty Bell stamps.

After they hung up, Bridezilla decided to check online to see which red and green stamps Patient Groom had been talking about. She saw the wedding stamp immediately -- a green stamp with a white heart that was designed almost like ivy... slightly Irish looking...

She started panicking again. She pulled up a big picture of the stamp on her computer and waited for Patient Groom to come home. Yes, folks, he was walking right into the lion's den.

Patient Groom walked in and before he could say one word, Bridezilla thrust the computer screen at his face.

"Is THIS the stamp you refused to buy?" she demanded.

"That's the wedding stamp?" Patient Groom asked.

Bridezilla let out the most exasperated, frustrated sigh you can possibly imagine. "Well, what stamps did you get?" she asked.

"Same as before," Patient Groom said, "I just got more of them so we could be sure we had enough."

What?

Same?

The ugly Liberty Bell stamps?

Oh, HELL no.

Bridezilla, it's safe to say, freaked out. She threw a tantrum that actually drove Patient Groom out of the apartment for a bit, just to escape the insanity. It was quite the moment in Bridezilla history.

Even more disturbing, this time, that Bridezilla was me.

I know, it's horribly embarrassing. I have no excuse or quasi-reasonable explanation. I wasn't even PMSy. And clearly, I've lost all rights to make fun of the other crazy brides out there, which is perhaps the saddest part of all.

Ugh, what's wrong with me? This wedding is making me crazy. It's only a few months away now, so hopefully I will return to my normal self shortly. (Still snotty and short-tempered, but not freaking insane.) In the meantime, be on the lookout for Bridezilla rearing her ugly head. Because at this point, people, I fear I've lost control.

Oh, yeah, and the invites are gonna be a little late...

3 comments:

Wedding Postage said...

This is one of the funniest things I've read about wedding stamps in a long time.

I wish you had a pictue of Patient Groom's face when you were discussing this with him!

Best wishes on the wedding.

ToKissTheCook said...

It's almost done. For real. And I'm home for awhile now so please God please PUT. ME. TO. WORK!!!

Louis said...

Wow. Self deprecation is a quality in low supply in bridezillas. That was a very good read. It was almost as if the voice in my head wrote everything up until the last 2 paragraphs.

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