Monday, October 25, 2010

The Douchiest Neighbor of All Time

Oh my god, you guys, have I got a story for you. A story all renters can relate to.

So, I have this neighbor. He lives on the second floor of a three-flat with his girlfriend/wife/whatever. They moved in just a few months ago.

Facts about this neighbor:

  • He drives an Escalade.
  • He parks a band trailer in our driveway.
  • He is covered in tattoos and thinks this makes him badass.
  • He does not work during the day, as far as I can tell.
  • He has 2 tiny, yappy dogs that pee all over.
  • He is an angry, angry man.

I found out that last part this weekend.

You see, this douchey neighbor of ours brought the party back to the apt. after a late night out at the bars. Around 2am, loud music and shouting filled the whole building. This is NOT the first time this has happened, but it is the first time we decided to say something about it.

We woke up early the next morning for Dave's bike race and left the neighbors a note telling them how loud they are. For perspective, we wrote about how we can even hear their phone vibrating. We wrote about how a loud party at midnight or 1am isn't a big deal, but 3am? 4am? a regular basis? Not okay.

What we got back was this:

Fuck ourselves? Fuck our mothers? OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!

This morning, I was in a blind rage, ready to march upstairs and give that tool a piece of my mind. Dave, ever the sane one, would not let me. He said we were going to handle this like grown ups. (Slash bitch about it on the Interwebs.)

While I've been at work, Dave has continued to go upstairs to try to talk to The Douche. The Douche, though he is certainly home, will not answer the door.

Plan of action: Continue knocking on the door every few hours until he answers. Keep the landlord in the loop by copying the absurdly aggressive note in with our rent check. Call the cops next time a party ensues. Keep calling the cops every weekend, if needed. Hope and pray that they don't renew their lease.

Happy Monday.


TKTC said...

I cannot even fathom the level of douchery at work here. I mean, really? Is it the same landlord for the whole building? I have all of these immature revenge tactics running through my head but this guy knows where you live and does not have a filter. So...there's that. Also? Yes, I'm so sure it was the third floor neighbors cell phone you heard vibrating. That seems so plausible.

Whiskeymarie said...

Yeah, I'd keep my distance from now on- this douche sounds like he's two beers away from getting arrested for assault.
Make it the cops and your landlord's problem now.
And? People suck.

Anonymous said...

I'm seriously laughing out loud on this one! A definite story we renters get.

First, I'm impressed you even wrote a note...I'm (in the words of your neighbor) too "pussy" to even do that.

Second, I'm a big fan of his writing style. Apologizing for the air mattress directly before telling you to go f@ck your mother. And yourself. And various and sundry other things. Hilarious.

That said, I'd probably watch yourself just a bit. He knows who you are and does seem a little...uh...unstable. But then again, I'm kind of a pussy ;-)

Jessica (Bayjb) said...

HOLY SHIT. I cannot BELIEVE he wrote that kind of a note back. What a douchebag! OMG. I cannot believe he took it to that level. Next time, I would call the police and not even leave the note. See if that f*cker likes the 5-0 knocking on his door. Yikes.

lovesfool said...

This is amazing. Please put this on your fridge right next to the "Justin Bieber FTW" note. :)

BTW the word verification for this comment is "wackd". I think your blog is agreeing with you.

Kelly Ryan said...

I can so relate to this!! The worst was when I had my first apartment in St. Louis. I had this couple that lived above me that CONSTANTLY fought. And not just yelling, screaming was all out punching, wrestling, knocking the fridge on it's side (yes this really did happen!) kind of fighting. There was also a huge issue about the parking spots which resulted in them yelling outside my window at 3am on multiple occasions. But finally I complained to my landlord enough that he decided to kick them out when their lease came up. Although the busted appliances might of also had something to do with it...

Hang in there... I wanted to go show my neighbors a piece of my mind too but luckily Dan is also the sensible one:)

Chrows25 aka Leather Woman said...

Yes you have a douche bag for a neighbour, might make good dog food, well ground up.
We can only be thakful hopefully that he doesn't have a sawn off shot gun.
Just call the cops they are armed and very used to idiots like your DB neighbour!

terra said...

What kind of a crazy asshole writes a letter like that back? Ugh - what a pain in the ass.

I think calling the cops is the right thing to do - we've done it with our neighbors and it's worked out pretty well. Eventually they figure out that if they act like assholes, the cops come.

Anonymous said...

You should submit this to

The Constant Complainer said...

Wow, as I was reading the note he sent back, I found myself laughing out loud, but also getting upset on your behalf.

First off, like others have echoed, him lashing out at you two like that is unacceptable. And it's even more absurd that he offers to talk about it, but now refuses to answer the door.

Second, I'd say don't even waste your time with talking directly to him. His letter showed that he has no real interest in working it out amicably. I'd do what you said - copy the letter to your landlord and get the "one up" on him right now. Second, I'm a risk management guy, so you'll see this recommendation coming - start to document everything that you can. And third, absolutely call the police the next time he even so much as farts loud in your direction. My guess is that if you can build up some complaints, the landlord will toss him!

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