Tuesday, October 12, 2010

How accurate ARE breed tests?

I'd be the first to say that my dog is not what we'd call "handsome."

He's a stocky (62-lb), meaty little thing with beady eyes and a butt that will NOT stop shaking. He hates cats, loves food and takes up way too much space in the bed. But, as his mom, I also think he's the Cutest Damn Thing In The World. The brindle coat, the awkward ears, the white socks on his paws -- that's my baby boy.


But, aside from being adorable, what IS he?

Before you start thinking I'm delusional, yes, I know that he's definitely a Pit Bull. But Pit Bull and what? Full Pit? Pit-Boxer? Pit-Lab?

I was starting to feel like a bad mama who just swooped up some pup from the slums and never bothered to figure out what the heck he is. I care! I want to know! So, Dave and I did what any neurotic parents would do: We ordered a breed test.

We swabbed Rocco's mouth, popped the swab into a packet and mailed it in to WisdomPanel. And as of a few weeks ago, we got the results.

Are you ready?

Rocco is...

...a...

...Pit Bull (American Staffordshire)...

...and...

...wait for it...

...a...

...fucking...

...DACHSHUND!...

...

I'll let that sink in for a moment.

...

Back? Okay. Let's resume.

My dog is a Pit Bull/Dachshund mix. And we have the paperwork to prove it:


So, mystery solved. Now, the only mystery is why Rocco's grandpa raped a doxie, but I don't think we'll ever know the true answer to that.

Instead, I've put my energies into keeping a straight face when we go on our walks and I say, "Oh, him? He's a dachshund mix. No, I'm sure. We had him breed-tested. This is my precious little doxie boy!"

I think I speak for all of us when I say, the fuck?

6 comments:

Shellbell said...

rather than, "why" did his grandpa do a doxie, i'm more curious as to "how". I can't wrap my head around the physics.

kat said...

I choose to believe that grandpa WAS the doxie, and so it was the doxie doing the... er, doing. Probably after a drunken bet in which he ill-advisedly insisted that he could mount any bitch he wanted to, short little legs be damned.

(And for some reason, writing this comment is totally reminding me of that "Station Agent" movie with Peter Dinklage in it.)

Chrows25 aka Leather Woman said...

OH MY DOG, that is absolutely too funny. Now can we be sure who screwed who, maybe his Dad was the dachshund and his MOM a compliant bull terrier, I can't afford to get mine done, but the Mexican rescues would probaly be seriously Heinz 57, the Canadian dog is part Siberian husky and we say German shepherd but he sure a sheck looks part wolf, nearly 14 now so an elderly Siberian wolfhound

Hannah @ The New Black said...

That is hilarious! I'm betting the Dad was a doxie. I've got a guy doxie and he is always trying to hump on ANY dog he can find...regardless of the size...or sex (but that's a WHOLE different story!), he's game. Craziness.

terra said...

I've wanted to do this to my dogs SO BAD and now I feel like I almost have to just because it might be hilarious. I'm wondering if step ladders were involved in the conception of your pooch...

elle michelle said...

Shellbell: Maybe it was an overweight doxie and, like, a mini-pit.

Kat: Actually, I bet you're right. That would explain the attitude.

Leather Woman: Aw, that sounds cute!

Hannah: You're so right. I babysat my friend's doxie months ago and all the little thing would do is hump.

Terra: Do it!

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