Over and out

Well, friends, Dave's China trip is almost up. It's hard to believe 6 weeks have already come and gone, but as of right now, I'm 28 hours away from seeing my husband and I CAN'T WAIT. Seriously. It's disgusting, even to me.

But, now that Dave's Wild Asian Adventure is over, it's the perfect time to recaps my highs and lows of living alone...


HIGHS

• I learned how to parallel park by myself.
• I didn't forget to feed my dog once.
• I did some pilates a few times. Okay, fine, twice.
• I leveled up on Call of Duty.
• I finally got my hair cut.
• I had lovely, boozy playdates with Ang, Suz and Jessi.
• I wore my new, cute, yellow ballet flats from Cole Haan.
• I drove Roc to Cleveland so he could play with his cousin and I could get drunk with my sister-in-law and mother-in-law.
• I met my new neighbors and their adorable Boxer -- love them all.
• I bought 6 pairs of shoes, 6 dresses, 11 shirts, a pair of pants and 3 belts.
• The weather warmed up!... For half a second. We'll take it.
• I saw Suz's new condo and it's awesome.
• I found a convenient, lovely spa that I will be going to instead of the uber-expensive Bliss for my facials.
• My sister came in town and made amends.
  

LOWS

• I lost my apartment keys.
• And mail key.
• And almost locked the dog in the car. ALMOST.
• I rarely cooked for myself.
• I often ate popcorn for dinner.
  
• I got into bed embarrassingly early every weeknight.
• I got sick and sounded like a chain-smoking, truck-stop hooker for three days.
• I almost ran over a little woman with my boat of a car.
• We frequently lost at trivia.
• My dog may or may not have eaten chocolate, so I pumped him full of meds and Benadryl out of sheer panic.
  

Eh, let's call it a draw.

Dave's China

As of two days ago, Dave left the hellhole that is Lanzhou and embarked on his 10-day vacation across the more modernized parts of China. He's already seen Tienanmen Square and the Great Wall, and tomorrow he departs for Shanghai for more sightseeing and fun.

However, before this little vacation of his, he was stuck in one of the most industrial (read: crappy) cities in the country. This shit was downright Third World! Well... that might be a tad dramatic, but here, judge for yourself:

• Dave only had 2 hours of hot water allowed in his dorm. Showering, apparently, was a luxury.
  

• His lab had squat toilets. This is a squat toilet:

• He had no access to a laundry room or laundromat, so he had to do his laundry in the bathtub. The bathtub!

• He could really only stare at a wall for entertainment after work, since he couldn't stream any TV shows or movies online.

• His lab had no heat and typically hovered around 30 degrees, so when he worked, he had to bundle up and pray for sunshine.

Just a reminder to be thankful, America. We are so, so spoiled.

Another difference between the North and South

...High School Reunion Edition.


NORTH
My mom's 10-year high school reunion was held at a nightclub in Manhattan.

SOUTH
My 10-year high school reunion will be a family picnic in the middle of the afternoon.


There best be booze, otherwise Jessi, Molly and I are going to look like a bunch of drunk, child-less assholes.

Renters 4 life

This is what $730k would buy me in Cleveland:

It even has its own tennis court. TENNIS COURT.

This is what $730k would buy me in Chicago:
That, my friends, is why it's unlikely that I will be a homeowner as long as I live in this beautiful, beautiful city. I love it so, but... damn.

My bad

Sometimes I really suck at driving. I mean, not in general, but we all have those momentary lapses when judgment and reason fly out the window and we do something completely dumbass -- which I did today.

After work, I ran to Walgreens and picked up a few things before heading home... like, 50 ft away.

I turn down my street and start to pull into the alley behind my apartment. And, of course, a huge white minivan (DIE, minivan) was coming down the alley without any hope of two of us fitting through there. I sighed and sat there for a minute making sure I could actually back up before getting out of their way.

Finally, I get a clearing and I slowly back up... and then someone hits my car with their fists.

Fists!

I stop short and immediately turn around to see who this asshole is. It's some tiny, middle-aged woman who was trying to get my attention because I was, ya know, about to hit her. Guess the asshole's me!

But instead of this little mishap ending there, she looks right at me and shrieks the most idiotic thing one could possibly say in such a moment.

"DID YOU SEE ME???!?"

Are you kidding? Yeah, lady, I saw you, but it's just one of my little quirks to try to plow down folks in the neighborhood. Come on! Also, you're two feet tall! I gave her the oddest look and yelled back, "UH, NO, OF COURSE NOT!" And then I did some flailing hand gestures that Italians so often do, pulled out safely and let the minivan (ugh) get out of the way.

And then I was really glad I had just picked up another refill of my Lexapro.

The end.

Another gem from Al

So, I've been playing around with the idea of throwing Dave a little party once he graduates with his PhD in May. This degree has been 6 years in the making and since I've been around the entire duration, I like to think of it as a party for both of us... But never mind that. Oh, also, Al is graduating with his Masters this summer too, but ALEX NO GET PARTY. At least, not a party thrown by me.

Anyway, today, I sent Al the link to a place I'm thinking of for Dave's little bash. And then he sent this...


Alex:

LISA
have you considered this place for dave's thing

http://www.ulcc.org/Default.aspx?p=DynamicModule&pageid=309675&ssid=198220&vnf=1

Because you're too lazy to click the link, here's a picture of the place he suggests:

Me:

Oh hai I'm not made of money

Alex:

oh hai i upgrade your ram

BUT THE STENCILED 28 FOOT CEILING BEAMS!

Me:

Well, that's lovely.

But the general rule is this: if it's nice enough that weddings can be thrown there, it is out of my budget.

Tell Dad that's where you want your own party

2 YEARS MASTERS DEGREE BOW DOWN

Alex:

hahahahaha

f yes

my party is going to put yours to SHAME

Me:

You'd better not have yours on the same night, you asshole

Alex:

im inviting the governor. beat THAT

Me:

I'm inviting Obama

Alex:

im inviting jesus

OH WAIT SAME PERSON

Me:

HA HA

I'm inviting John McCain riding a dinosaur

Alex:

i would invite charlie sheen but he'll probably break everything

so instead im inviting john wayne's corpse driving a delorean drinking a four loko

Me:

You #win

If his brain weren't the size of a pea, he'd be ashamed

I, like most dog parents, take an obscene amount of pictures of my dog. And, apparently, I take way, way more pictures of him when Dave is gone and not here to stop me.

Case in point:

Awkward cuddles with Aunt Suz

Playing video games

Almost setting himself on fire

Skyping with daddy

Parenthood FTW.

A relationship rant for Thursday

Just once, I would like to see an article on relationships/marriage that doesn't take cheap shots or use passive-aggressive (uh, or straight-up aggressive) language for the other side.

Two examples...


Why You're Not Married
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html

• "The problem is not men. It's you."
• "You're a bitch."
• "Working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife."
• "You're shallow. / You're a slut. / You're a liar. / You're selfish."
• "A good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself."

Message: You're single because you're kind of awful and no man wants someone like you. (He wants a smiling, perky little thing to do his laundry, feed his ego and put him first.)


An Open Letter to the Women Who Are Telling Me It's My Fault I'm Not Married
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brienne-walsh/an-open-letter-to-the-wom_b_829378.html

• "As I was leaving, she said to me, with a great deal of kindness: 'You're pretty, and you're smart. It's a curse. You'll have a lot of difficulty finding a man.' It could have been crushing, if I wasn't aware of it already."
• "In essence, in order to participate in the ritual custom of marriage, we have to become shadows of our best selves."

Message: You're not married because you're too awesome, too pretty, too educated, too powerful and too much of a fucking delight. (Those empty married folks? They didn't have much else going on in the looks or career department, so they got hitched instead.)


Sigh. Do you really know why you're not married? Me neither. And neither do these authors. And neither does anyone else. Except maybe Jessica Ravitz, who sums it up with a no-nonsense: "Sure, you might be a bitch, a slut, a liar, shallow, selfish or not good enough. Maybe, though, you happen to be 41 and single because life, real life with all its complications, has just worked out that way. So far."

That goes for everyone, married or not: life just worked out that way.

I believe I'm married because my life worked out in a way that I found Dave when I was young. It feels more like dumb luck than anything I planned, did or didn't do. And I'm getting annoyed with articles that ignore the role of luck while simultaneously taking a shit on women on the other side of the marriage line. I know women who are happy being married and women who are happy being single, and I also know that it's absurd to shove us all in the same box, toss around a bunch of labels and draw black-and-white conclusions based on little more than insufferable superiority.

So stop it.

/rant

It's the little things

Currently finding happiness in:

• My dog wanting so many cuddles that he interrupts my pilates by sitting ON TOP of me -- ab workout be damned.
• Cleveland vacation plans that include manis, pedis, massages and booze with my sister-in-law and mother-in-law.
• Parking in the lot at work -- not way down the street -- while most people are on hiatus.
• The anticipation of spring and warmer weather.
• Those mini wine bottles that allow us to get buzzed without wasting an ounce of Pinot.
• My freelancing pay raise.
• Hulu episodes of Pretty Little Liars.
• Playing Call of Duty with Ben and the boys (they're so good, even my shittiness can't make us lose).
• Searching Craigslist for outrageous apartments out of my price range.