Calm assertive state

I admit it: I've watched quite a bit of Dog Whisperer in my day.

I've learned a lot...namely, little dogs are huge assholes when you act like they are human babies, a swift "SHHHHHPPPPPT" noise will correct many behaviors and Cesar Millan really, really likes rollerblades.

A common theme in the show isn't just training dogs, but having the owners become the Pack Leeeeeeeader. In my house, I like to think I'm Pack Leader, but if we're being honest, this is the one the dogs listen to:

Spray bottle of doom.

[It's filled with water. I don't *actually* Febreze my dog(s)...]

Yep, that's the trick. When the spray bottle comes out, the dogs go right to a submissive state. Oh, you want to bark incessantly at nothing? SPRAY BOTTLE. You're going to play right after eating, so Rocco throws up? SPRAY BOTTLE. You're going to play on my awesome, new couch? SPRAY BOTTLE.

It's hardly parenting pioneering over here, but it works and that's all I care about. I am Mom. I am dominant. And I will spray the shit out of you if you act like a jerk in my house. And then I will cuddle you afterwards because I feel a little guilty. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

Housewifery

Today, Jessi had the day off and she wanted a real "real housewives" day. As someone who watches the trainwreck that is the Bravo reality series, this is my specialty.

But, our adventures were decidedly less dramatic...


THE PLAN VERSUS THE REALITY

Wake up late.	Woke up late.
Greet each other with European air kisses.	Said, "What up."
Be drunk by noon.	Left my apartment after noon.
Get chauffered around in a limo.	Drove us in my Jetta.
Run errands.	Ran errands.
Parade around with my baby while holding a glass of wine.	Paraded around Whole Foods with a glass of wine.

Get in a fight with each other.	Enjoyed each other's company.
Throw a drink in someone's face.	Spilled some wine in the kitchen.
Eat lunch outside and glare at people.	At lunch outside and smiled at Honeycat.

Get Botox.	Talked about Botox.
Spend thousands of dollars on frivolous things.	Spend tens of dollars on necessary things like food and booze.
Run into someone I hate.	Ran into a nice man who educated Jessi on the finer points of canned fish.

I'll take my reality over theirs any day.

Decisions, decisions

When I was young, I wanted to get my ears pierced. I told my mom, who, surprisingly, told me that I could do it -- but that it would hurt. Even then, as a durable, injury-prone, bounce-back-from-anything gymnast, I wasn't good with pain. I started to reconsider...

Then, my mom and grandma told me to make a pros and cons list to help me decide. I thought of tons of pros (I'd look pretty, I liked jewelry, I'd be grown-up, etc.) and only one con: needle through ear hurts. A lot.

If pro-and-con lists were about length alone, the decision would have been easy. With far more pros than cons, I'd have done it instantly. But that one, singular, painful con carried much more weight for me. It took me ages to actually pull the trigger, no pun intended. But I finally did it. And now? I hardly wear earrings.

I thought about that little story in bed the other night when I was wondering whether or not we should keep this new dog in our house. There are plenty of pros and cons floating around, but once again this isn't a decision than can be boiled down to a few words on a piece of Lisa Frank paper.






This dog is sweet, smart and loving. She and Rocco get along so well. She likes to cuddle and sleep. She doesn't have a sensitive stomach. She's a pleaser.

But...

My house is more crowded. My floors have been peed on once a day. The dogs set each other off when one hears a noise. The playing is overkill.

We're all still adjusting, I know. Things have gotten better each day. If we didn't already have Rocco, this would be a no-brainer because this dog is just so awesome. But is it the right long-term living situation for the four of us?

As they say, time will tell.

Summer Updates

Well, it's summer. Bring on the beaches, beer gardens and barbecues. Chicago is an incredible city to live in during these few months, so I plan to take full advantage.

But, before we get to that, there are a few updates I should toss out here...

Goodbye to Oprah

While America said goodbye to their favorite afternoon talk show, I said goodbye to my beloved job. Working on the show was, by far, the greatest job I could have asked for. But, it's time to move on for many of us and I don't think there's a single person on staff who could say they were 100% happy to walk away from this job, these coworkers and this company. (Though, let me say, OW throws one hell of a farewell party.)

My dept -- best people ever.

Hello to Retirement

Where do you go from Oprah? I'm thinking the president...or retirement. You know, go out on a high note. I'm exploring both options right now but if there's ever a time to retire, it's Chicago in the summer. Plus, "retirement" sounds way better than "unemployment." This summer's retirement plans include:

• A trip to the West Coast to see a few friends like Billy, Joe and Dave's cousin.
• Many days spent at my fav beach -- Ohio Street. (Perhaps the only douche-free beach in the city.)
• Exercise. I'm less enthused about this, but it stays on the list.
• A drive to Memphis with the pup(s) to see my folks and all the new shit they're doing to their house.
• Our family vacation to Virginia Beach with my fam, my aunt/uncle and Dave's fam.
• Sleeping in, playing Call of Duty and drinking summery things like Vodka-Lemonades.

Welcoming Margie/Bella/Stella/Roger
Since Dave and I are both free from work this summer, we thought now would be the best time to bring another little furball into our home. So, we had Rocco meet his potential sister about a week ago and they adored each other! Her name is Margie but she responds to Bella, so we were hoping to keep a similar-sounding name. We're thinking "Stella," but my brother has already decided he will be calling her "Roger."

Now we'll be fostering her for two weeks starting on the 13th to see if she'll be a good fit in our home. If she's not, well, then we're never meant to get a second dog because this one is just awesome.

Aaaaand that's it! It's only June 6, but it's already shaping up to be a month of big changes... Hopefully all good.