The significance of today

Today might be MLK Day (not that we get off work for that around here, which I'm still not totally convinced is legal), but, as my mother reminded me yesterday, it's something else too.


Mom: You have an anniversary tomorrow, you know.

Me: I do?

Mom: Yes. Do you know what it is?


Mental check: I was married in September so there's no way this is a wedding anniversary. Phew.


Me: Ma, I really hate these games. It's always a trap.

Mom: No trap.


For some reason, I ignored the "anniversary" part and instead just started running through a checklist of random holidays or events.


Me: Tomorrow, let's see... MLK Day? Nah, that wouldn't make sense for you to bring up. Your birthday's coming up but that's not until February. Oh, the dog's birthday! No, wait, that's January 23. What is tomorrow? The 19th?

Mom: Seriously?

Me: January 19th...? Ohhhhhhhh. Right.


Two years ago today, Dave proposed.




Happy engagement anniversary to us, even though we probably forgot about it last year too. Pseudo-anniversary fail!

Is he gone yet?

In case I don't share with you on Google Reader, here's a fun little thing I found this afternoon. And by "fun," I mean "disgusting."



Yep, it's tomorrow. January 18th.

Apparently, Sanctity of Human Life Day has been around since 1984 thanks to Reagan, but presidents get to declare it every year if they want. (Clinton declined throughout his 8 years, but Bush is all about it.)

According to the proclamation:

“The most basic duty of government is to protect the life of the innocent. My administration has been committed to building a culture of life by vigorously promoting adoption and parental notification laws, opposing federal funding for abortions overseas, encouraging teen abstinence and funding crisis pregnancy programs.”

Lovely. Here are a few different things I think we should call it:

National Fuck Women's Rights Day
I Will Shove My Politics Up Your Ass Until My Last Day Day
Maybe Someday We Can Knock Back Women's Rights so They're on Par with the Gays Day
Create More Criminals Day


Dave's:

Take That, Nancy Pelosi Day
Remember, "Human Life" Doesn't Include Guantanamo Bay Day
I've Got Your Back, Bristol Day
I'm Just Doing What Cheney Told Me To (Again) Day


And some more that I really wish I could take credit for:

Celebrate the Consequences of Your Rape Day
I Can Count on You Right Wingers to Not Hate Me for Sucking as a President, Right? Day
Women are Essentially Breeding Machines Day
National Morbid Irony Day
Sanctimonious Life Day
All Your Uteruses [Uteri?] Are Belonging to Us Day



Anyone else?

I've been MIA

...and may be for a little while longer. It's been almost a week since I've written anything and that feels kinda weird. But I dunno, there's a lot going on right now and I'm trying to sort through some things, so I'm not quite up to putting the effort into snarky posts. Maybe next week.

But, just so I don't leave you empty-handed, here are some blogs I've become obsessed with:

CookieBitch
What Claudia Wore
Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper

Go read them if you're not already. They're fabulous and fractions of their posts are way better than all of my blog entries put together. (Okay, so maybe that's not such an incredible feat, but they are awesome just the same.)

The one where I do something really stupid

The other day, I ended up watching Wife Swap. I know, that shit is a major trainwreck, but that's why I love it.

Anyway, during this particular episode, a crazy hippie with no exposure to the modern world ended up putting regular dish soap in the dishwasher. Are you kidding me, I thought. What kind of MORON do you have to be to actually do that??

And then tonight, it happened to me:




Don't think less of me, people! It was the damn cold meds! They should all have a new warning label that says, "Do not operate a dish washer under the influence of this drug." I just grabbed the wrong dish stuff in my foggy haze and dumped it in the machine. It's an innocent mistake. I promise you, I'm really not that stupid. It's just the meds!

(Dave, by the way, is having a fucking field day with this fiasco. I know I will NEVER, EVER live it down.)

Internet, please, please make me feel better by telling me something stupid you've done recently. Your humiliation will help alleviate mine.

Goog street view FAIL

When I was looking at Craigslist for apartments, viewing the location on the Goog brought me to this:



Oops.

My first confrontation of 2009

Well, folks, safe to say that I started off the new year with a fight with a creepy man who I wanted to strangle with my bare hands.

After arriving home around 3am with my brother and Dave, we hopped into a crowded elevator in my building. In there was a group a Indian girls, a lone girl, a super creepy guy and us. As soon as the doors closed, the creepy guy, who I will now refer to as Fucktard, made the Nazi gesture over an Indian girl's head.

You've GOT to be kidding me, I thought. HELL NO. I might only be a half Jew but I was 1000% offended and wanted him to know it.

I completely turned my body to him and shot daggers at him. It was the shittiest, most evil look I could muster. (As I'm someone who gives shitty looks on a daily basis with little to no effort, you can imagine how brutal this one was.)

Apparently, Fucktard noticed. Just before the group of girls got off the elevator, Fucktard sways a bit and slurs, "Whahy is eyyyone so pisssssed? I've nee'er seen such pissed people."

Dave, oblivious to the antisemitism (and my "I WILL KILL YOU" glare) says, "No one's pissed here, man."

I elbowed him.

Fucktard continued, "Nu uh. You're pissssed and she's DEFINITELY pissed." Me.

I said, "YEAH I am," as I continued my glare. I also muttered "asshole" under my breath.

Fucktard rolled his eyes. By this time, a group had gotten off the elevator so it was only us and the lone girl. She was wearing a super short dress and Fucktard noticed.

"Oooohhh, heeeey," he said, eerily. "What's thaaat? I liiiike that."

The girl smiled nervously as we exchanged glances.

"Whaaat, man?" Fucktard said to Dave, for absolutely no reason.

"Nothing," Dave said, still oblivious. "I'm not mad."

"Well I AM," I blurted out. "This is fucking bullshit, this guy!! I mean, what the fuck?"

Thank you, the girl mouthed to me.

The elevator doors opened and Fucktard got off with all of us. The girl hurried to the apartment she was visiting and knocked frantically. My brother and Dave kept walking past her, but I stopped and waited with her because Fucktard was lingering behind her very creepily.

"Elle," Dave said. "What are you doing?"

"This guy is being a fucking creepy asshole so I want to make sure this girl gets in to the apartment okay," I said.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," the girl said, as the door opened and she ran inside.

I turned to go back to my place with Fucktard right behind me.

Dave said, "Get the fuck outta here man, you don't live here. You need to go back down that elevator and leave NOW."

We walked up to my door and Fucktard rolled his eyes again. "Can I at least come in to pee?"

Seriously?

"NO!" Dave said.

"FUCK THIS," I said. "Dude, I'm calling security. You're a creepy fucking bastard and you don't belong here."

"That was my girlfriend," he mumbled, as I grabbed the phone.

"Give me the phone," Dave said to me. I did and we shut our door.

Security asked for a description of Fucktard, so Dave opened the door again only to find this moron trying to get into another apartment! He was jiggling the handle and, of course, looking creepy.

"He's got a red and black striped collared shirt on," Dave said, "he's about 5'11" and he's kinda balding."

"Um, and he looks pregnant with his huge ass gut," I added, but Dave chose not to relay that piece of information.

By the time security arrived, the guy was gone. I have no idea where he went or what happened to him, but I was definitely shaken up. I never would have mouthed off like that if Dave and my brother hadn't been around, but I'm glad I got the chance to.

Dear god, I hope this doesn't set the tone for 2009.

I'm so uplifting, I can't stand it

I started a new blog about recovery:
http://elleshares.blogspot.com/

Why? As I eloquently state in my first post's opening paragraph:

Because I don't want my regular blog to turn into the Watch Elle Get Really Deep And Occasionally Bitch About NA, Recovery And Drug Use, I decided to start a separate blog devoted to that topic. Yep, it's gonna be a real spot of sunshine over here.

After I started it, I realized that Dave might want a place to vent as well, so I made him an author on it too. Pretty sure you'll mostly end up hearing more from me, but maybe he'll grace us with with presence. ;-)