Thursday, September 25, 2008

Mother, may I

So, I went to the lady doctor this past week. For all you male readers (uh, all 2 of you?), don't flip your shit. I'm not going to delve into details. Trust me, that's fun for no one.

Anyway, because my company recently switched its insurance from Kick-Ass Insurance to Unbelievably Craptastic Insurance, I went to a brand new office with a new doctor, determined to get a new birth control that my UCI actually covers.

I tentatively walk up to the right address and see "Playboy Headquarters" carved into some fancy-looking marble. I hesitate. I look around. I see a pregnant woman waddle up the stairs into the building. Safe to assume she's not going in there to pose for a pictorial, so I follow her in.

I wander into some elevators and pile myself (and my obnoxious purple purse) into the cramped space. I notice that EVERYONE is going to the same floor I am. Okay, then.

I manage to find the doctor's office, double-checking to make sure my doc's name is inscribed on the door, and wait in line at the reception desk. There's a young woman in front of me, doing the "I have to pee" dance.

What's wrong with her, I wonder.

[Woman dances from one foot to the other.]

Is she THAT nervous about the gyno? Is she just a jittery person? Oh, Jesus, is she ON something?

[Woman crosses her legs.]

"You can go pee," the receptionist tells her.

Whaat? Did you just need permission to use the bathroom? Okay, I am SO not asking for permission if I have to pee. What kind of warped third-grade world did I wander into?

At this moment, a pregnant woman walks into the office with her husband, doing the exact same pee dance. She checks herself in and sits down, wiggling in her seat.

Damn, I think, these chicks are odd. Why didn't they pee before they left the house? Am I in some sort of special needs ward where grown women forget how to use the bathroom until some overworked, underpaid, gum-snapping receptionist grants them permission?

I look around. Everyone is pregnant. Everyone.

Oooooohhhh. It finally clicks with me that these preggos have to show up to the doc with a full bladder. (For ultrasound reasons? Feel free to correct me here.) In one sense, I am relieved that they're not just slow in the head. On the other hand, I'm wondering what the shit I'm doing in the doctor's office on Pregnant Lady Day.

So I finally meet with the doc and we go through some questions.

Doc: So, you're married, I see.

Me: Oh. Yeah, I am.

Doc: So when are you two thinking about having kids? Or are you thinking about it?

Me: Oh, God, no.

Doc: Haha, you're probably finding now that you're married, everyone's asking you about kids, huh?

Me: Actually, no. Maybe they think I'm far too superficial and selfish to transfer my shoe-and-handbag fund over to a diapers-and-college fund, plus I'm hardly able to feed myself, much less a breathing, shitting, crying human. Wait, should I be offended by that? Nah, it's true.

Doc: Well, there's no rush.

Me: No kidding. I'm young! I can wait, like, another 10 years.

Doc: Sure.

Me: Maybe even 15!

Doc: Don't push it.

Or -- another idea -- we don't have kids at all. We've been talking about that option more and more lately. I guess it's hard for us to ever see ourselves as mature enough to be responsible for ANOTHER LIFE. Don't get me wrong, I love babies as much as I love white wine, but I don't know that I'll ever be ready to have that massive, never-ending responsibility.

So now when I accidentally get knocked up, we can all link back to this post and laugh, laugh, laugh. Well, you'll laugh. I'll cry because it means my happy hours are gone forever, along with my ability to grant myself permission to pee.

How do you moms do it??


Bayjb said...

Wow a lady doc in the Playboy building. I can only imagine the traffic she gets. I wouldn't want to lose my shoe and handbag fund either.

Marie said...

I can't find myself trading in the whole shoe and handbag thing for kiddie stuff either. Not yet at least. I love my shoes and handbags. In fact, I need another closet for all my babies.

ANG* said...

don't worry, i'll be there to help throw you down the stairs if you get accidently knocked up. that's what friends are for ;)

TKTC said...

Can I tell you there was a moment in there that I thought you were saying you WERE accidentally knocked up? And I was about to come right over there because I had to find out from your blog. Rather than showing up at your house to see you with a peestick and 2 empty bottles of wine going "What? Wine relaxes me. Isn't me being relaxed good for the baby{hiccup}"


elle michelle said...

Bayjb: Right!?

Marie: I WISH I had a separate closet for all my babies. God knows I need one. Maybe once I'm rich and living in a 10,000 sq ft home. Or just a 1,000sq ft apt where half of it = shoes.

Ang: Awwww, you're so sweet!!

TKTC: Hahahaha. I had a baby in my dream last night and you were there telling me how to take care of it. Not far from how real life would be, I imagine. Then, in my dream, I told Dave to bring me a bottle. And he brought me one... a bottle of wine. I love him.

Dan said...

Don't they have to pee for tests and not ultrasounds. And secondly, I say this to everyone who scared of having kids, "You are never actually mature enough until it pops out."

Plus I need to have a good reason to prado and chanel baby clothes and there is no baby better suited then the dago machine of a Marino-Capretto.


Dan said...

Ok I lied, fuck baby clothes, it is all about the shoes for me. My nieces are all decked out this year in Pink PUMA shoes with matching Jump suits. My God I am a fucking great uncle.

Anonymous said...

Is it wrong of me to like when I go to the gyno and know I'm not pregnant and swelling up like a whale??? :D bwahahahaha

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I forgot to say also, I LOVE that purple purse. Where did you get it? Must. Have. It.

Shannon said...

I go to the same medical building that you do. And, I always feel that when I enter on the "Playboy" side, that I am going to wind up sharing an elevator with Miss May.

Lyla Lou said...

Babies and pregnant women kinda scare me. Especially on elevators!

elle michelle said...

Dan: Ooooh, designer baby shoes! I had not considered that...

Theycallmecurlysue: HA! It's a Bulga purse from actually. I could never have afforded it if it weren't discounted heavily!

Shannon: That's exactly how I felt.

Lyla Lou: I'm only scared of "pregnant" bellies when MEN push out their stomachs to be creepy, like Dave does to freak me the fuck out.

Jenn said...

Kids have sticky hands.


Kyla Bea said...

LOL Whenever I talk about how I don't want babies for 10 - 15 years I ALWAYS think about being accidentally knocked up lol

Oh the hilarity....

*goes to check that she took her birth control*

The BAMF said...

I am proud to be one of your 2 male readers. Haha. And yes...the "lady doctor" scares the shit out of me. Seriously.


elle michelle said...

Jenn: That they do. That they do.

Kyla Bea: Thank god for little birth control reminders! Mine happen when I'm watching Jon & Kate Plus 8... Can you imagine that nightmare??

BAMF: Thanks, John! I'll do my best to protect you from really scary, girly content. ;-)

Bow Chica Wah Wah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Aunt Becky said...

The worst part of the Full Bladder Club? The baby bounces on it. No, seriously it does. It feels LOVELY.

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