Sunday, July 6, 2008

Dickhead Day at my pool

I think today was Dickhead Day at my pool. Pretty sure of it actually. Either that, or some very obnoxious characters came out to play all at the same time. Maybe the universe just works that way.

So, I get down to my pool at 9:30am. I'm very serious about my tanning, since my wedding dress is backless (except for the crazy criss-cross straps I can't figure out). I get down there and park myself in my usual area, with three chairs on both sides of me. I lay out my towel, spritz on my oil, grease up and start to bake.


This shot does not do the view justice. Here, old views without Trump Tower...










Around 11am, Asshole # 1 shows up. She is tall, unnaturally thin and has definitely had a nose job. She lays out her towel one chair away from me to my left and saves the one on her left with her massive bag. She is on her hands-free phone -- not the bluetooth kind, but the kind with the headphones where you have to hold the mouthpiece up to your mouth. (If you're already holding something anyway, why not just use your cell phone in the first place?)

Her phone conversation is very annoying. She's pissed someone didn't call her back last night. Well, okay, fine, he DID call her back, but not when she could answer. That jerk. At this point, I'm slightly annoyed that she's bringing her toxic attitude into my happy zone, but whatever. The pool radio is playing Sara Bareilles and the breeze feels great, so I'm still holding on to my good mood.

Until she pulls out a cigarette. Whore, do not smoke by me when we're on a rooftop pool in Chicago and the wind is blowing RIGHT AT ME. I look over and glare at her. I keep shifting around, making a bit of a scene, wiping my nose. Yeah, dramatic, I know. But at our pool, there are unspoken rules. One: even if there is nothing on the chair next to someone, still ask them if they are saving that seat. Two: smoke outside the pool area. Asshole #1 doesn't care, obviously. I do.

So I get up in a huff and go in the water. I get in the water and glare at her again. This time, I shake my head too, for good measure. That'll teach her.

I'm in the pool, feeling refreshed, breathing clean air and baking nicely. I look over and while Asshole # 1 is STILL on the phone, she has already gone through 4 cigs and is taking a break. I get out of the water and back to my seat.

Enter Asshole # 2.

He walks in and takes the chair on the other side of me, my right, leaving one in between us. He's also pretty skinny and looks like he is from Alabama. He starts getting on HIS phone. "Hey, iys Erwyyn thayer?" Yep, sounds like Alabama to me. Erwin is not there, so he gets off the phone, removes his wife beater (yes) and dives in the pool. I moved to Chicago to avoid this kind of creature, but whatever.

When Asshole # 2 comes back, he takes out a cigarette too. HOW DO THEY FIND ME? Out of all the people at the pool, the only two smokers have surrounded me. Come on. Really, universe? Really?

I give him the same glaring, shifting, head-shaking treatment before I go back in the pool, away from these morons.

(In general, I couldn't care less about people smoking. But when we're in such close proximity and it's so easy to be courteous and move 20 feet away, do it. Especially when that's what everyone else does.)

Then, God smiles on me. Asshole # 2 actually gets up to leave. I glance at Asshole # 1 who is still on the phone but almost through her pack of cigs, so I'm optimistic. I lay out in my chair once again, turning my head away from her.

Meanwhile, a new girl comes by and asks me if the two chairs on my right (where Asshole # 2 was) are taken. I jump at the chance to give away his seat, even though I'm pretty sure he's coming back. But this girl doesn't move fast enough. While she is hauling one of the chairs away, Asshole # 2 comes back and sits in the remaining chair... right fucking next to me. Of course.

He immediately pulls out a cigarette while he is less than two feet away from me. I don't even bother putting my coverup on -- I let out an exasperated sigh, give one last glare, throw on my flip flops, pick up my bag, snatch my towel and stomp off in a huff. Take THAT. I mean, I was planning on leaving around that time anyway, but why not go out with a bang?

So here I am. Back in my apartment, ranting on my blog. But it's fine because I'm happy with my tan, happy to be back in air conditioning, happy thinking about the Chipotle Dave is bringing me on his way home in an hour and happy that those Assholes are going to kick the bucket a little earlier than I am. Ooo, shit, I just wished an early death on strangers. Looks like I'm Asshole # 3.

4 comments:

ANG* said...

the NERVE! i woulda told them a thing or two! lesson learned: always take angie to the pool with you ;)

ToKissTheCook said...

that was hilarious. you can take Jessi to to the pool with you too- i hear she's kind've a bitch to strangers:)

l.michelle said...

Ladies, I'll be there next weekend at 9:30 once again. You are BOTH more than welcome.

d said...

hilarious. it was asshole day at the beach today too, fyi!

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