Thursday, July 3, 2008

More Wedding Drama

Last night, I was reminded why so many (smart) couples trek down to City Hall and tie the knot quickly and painlessly. God, I want to do that. Too late though, so I get to deal with all of the bullshit and drama that inevitably comes with planning any wedding. How people do this for a living, I'll never know.

So, last night's debacle centered around my uncle and grandmother. Those of you who know my family are not surprised. For those of you who don't know the history, here's a little background...

Once upon a time, in Long Beach, NY, my grandma had two kids. One good, one evil. The good one, my mom, was responsible, kind and motivated. The evil one was a monster. A complete shithead. Selfish, lazy, ungrateful and stormed around with an overbearing sense of entitlement. Unfortunately, he was always treated as the prodigal son, fueling his disgusting attitude. Here are a few highlights from his life:

-- He tried to kill my mother. Literally. She wouldn't let him borrow her car once, about 30 years ago, so in retaliation, he went underneath the vehicle and cut some wires. Death -- that'll teach her.

-- He lived in a bush. No, that's not a euphemism, you pervs. Although, on second thought, that applies too... Anyway, he moved to California because NY life was so "miserable" and when couldn't afford an apartment, with his money going to drugs and all, he lived in a bush.

-- He's mean-spirited and a liar. As if the attempted murder wasn't enough, he tries to destroy people psychologically too. Case in point, when my parents were trying to have children, he decided he needed money and needed a good lie to get it. The most hurtful one he could think of? He said that he got a girl pregnant and needed money for an abortion.

-- He has been married twice. The first time produced children until his wife got smart and divorced him. His second wife was MY AGE. 'Nuff said.

-- He does not like said children. They interfere with his party life and are total mood-killers when he's trying to bang twenty-somethings in his one-bedroom apartment.

-- He prides himself on dating women who are too young for him and too stupid to realize that a 50-something man with kids, alimony to pay, a crappy job, a tiny apartment and a complete lack of human decency is NOT a catch.

-- He takes money from my grandmother, who does not have much more than he does. This is perhaps the biggest injustice of all.

So there you have it. He sucks. Back to the wedding drama.

I have been a basketcase over the wedding guest list because we invited more people than can fit in the venue. This is no secret to my family, especially my grandmother who got her own damn guest list while Dave and I had to trim down our own to make room. I'm not a big fan of people I don't know attending my intimate wedding, but the MAIN reason people can't bring dates is that we simply don't have room for people.

Well, even though my uncle's divorce from his 20-something wife is not yet final, he has already dated some other chick, broken up with her, found another one and moved her in with him because she's too poor for her own place. When I created the guest list, he was still with his wife, so this has all happened pretty fucking fast. Since I can't keep up with his concubines, he does not get to bring a date to the wedding.

Oh, by the way, he's not paying one penny for his travel expenses. My grandmother is covering all of it for him and his two children.

So, I've made it clear from Day One that Uncle Assclown doesn't get to bring some random whore to the wedding, especially on my grandmother's dime. My grandmother, who enables him terribly, has decided that she now makes the rules. She told him this weekend that we can just "find" room for one more.

Oh, you think?


I was pretty brutal in my handling of this, but I told my grandmother in no uncertain terms that this will not be happening. I'll leave it at that.

Well, my uncle did not leave it at that. He freaked out on my mom when she called him to correct my grandmother's assumption. Here were some of his ridiculous rants along with my thoughts...

You're being rude!
No, you're rude. You have no right to demand that you bring a guest, especially when you're not even paying a penny. Pay for your own travel expenses before you talk to me about rude.

I'm trying to be a family man, here. She should be included.
She is not family. She is a nameless, faceless number in a long succession of brainless, classless women. A hooker, if you will. Though hookers actually make money.

I'm LIVING with her, come on.
Like that's a symbol of love for you? See previous response.

She is important to me and I want her there.
She is not important to me or Dave, and we don't care what you want. Now or ever.

Why did you invite the kids if you don't have space? I'd rather you just invited me and my girlfriend.
Way to be a family man.

This is going to be a weekend of HELL for me.
For YOU? You?? Please don't feel that you have to grace us with your presence, O Holy One. I'm *pretty* sure I'll make it down the aisle without seeing your slimy face.

I'm an adult and I should get a date!
Adults pay for their own expenses. You are not an adult. You are no better than your 16-year-old daughter. She doesn't get a date and neither do you.

I can't believe you're going to make me travel alone with my kids.
Uh, your kids are teenagers who have flown alone before, remember? Are you high again?

If she can't go, I don't know that I can.

That was pretty much the gist of it. I'm leaving out the parts where he called my mom names and threatened to call me to discuss this. Can you imagine how that phone call would have gone? Oy.

So, the end result is that we were not swayed by his juvenile threats, whining and attempts at emotional blackmail. My dad says to ignore him completely. My mom had it OUT with him and finally put him in his place. We're done. There's nothing more to say.

My advice to brides-to-be? Hightail it to City Hall and avoid this hot mess. Ugh. I'm definitely drinking at lunch today! Off to Kerryman in an hour with a refreshing vodka lemonade calling my name...


ToKissTheCook said...

Holy cannolli!! What an asshole!! GO FRAN!!! In other news, TKTC family will not be bringing dates! Getting drunk with my brother and the other siblings from our block has always been PLENTY of fun!!

If your uncle DOES come to the wedding, I’m happy to cut him in line and/or hire a busboy to lock him in the meat freezer.

l.michelle said...

Oh yeah, Fran is not messing around. I have just been told that my grandma is taking back her offer to pay for his ticket and will only buy the kids' tickets now. As my mom just wrote to me, "One schmuck won't ruin this joyous time for our family." :-) We'll have fun for SURE.

Rachel said...

I always dreamed of planning my wedding, but now as I'm getting older, and I have a full understanding of my family, I'm becoming a bit more worried every day.

l.michelle said...

You know, I bitch and moan about it now, but I'm sure that once the big day is here (and even after it's over), I'll be glad I didn't elope. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. I'll keep you posted...

Anonymous said...

Cut the wires under HIS car.

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