Obligatory resolution post

I never make New Year's resolutions because I know myself and I know I won't keep them. Sure, we're all bright-eyed and optimistic in January, but once our routines settle back in and the relentless winter chill crushes our souls, well, "turning over a new leaf" just doesn't have priority anymore.

That's why the best resolutions are simple and the best expectations are low. Here's what I'm going with for 2011:

Get back in shape.
Duh. We all say it. But here's my plan to make it happen:

• Limit the after-work beer drinking to once a week. Well, maybe twice is okay.
  
• Drink more water instead of waddling over to the vending machine, post-lunch.
• Actually use the damn recumbent bike I bought. Let's shoot for 3 times a week.
  
• Do pilates again 3 times a week.
  

We'll see how long this holds and if my vanity is enough of a motivator to keep me from the booze.

Read more books.
With a new iPad, a Kindle account and a love for Tess Gerritsen, I'm already halfway through one of her most popular books (The Bone Garden). So, basically, I'll finish it in January and I will have already accomplished this resolution, since the number of books I read last year hovered around, um, zero. SUCCESS.

Stop being (as much of) a mean girl.
When you're 20, you can get away with being a little snippy, sarcastic and blunt because you're cute and everyone just calls you "sassy." But when you're almost 30, it reeks of insecurity. Sooo, I'm going to try to scale back the judgments, pop my anti-crazy pills and settle for an eye roll rather than an obnoxious tirade. Unless, of course, someone fucks with my dog. Then I will just shank you.

Stop being scared of the kitchen.
After setting myself on fire, my time in the kitchen has been... limited. Eh, who are we kidding? It was limited before that incident too. But, with my job ending around May and my plans to take time off, I'm going to tip-toe back into the world of recipes and ovens. Specifically, I want to make a kick-ass pasta sauce. In a home with two Italians and a family tree whose recent roots are grounded in Torino, it's downright embarrassing that our sauce comes from a jar.

Foster a dog... or six.
After adopting Rocco through One Tail at a Time, donating dog food and money to the group, and attending every event they hold, I really, really want to become a foster mom for OTAT. They're a shelterless rescue, so they can only take in dogs when they have foster homes lined up. Breaks my heart to hear about the dogs -- esp pit bulls -- that will be put down unless a foster home surfaces. We'll just have to see if Roc can handle it without pissing all over my apartment.

I think that's ambitious enough. If you have any tips, tricks or secrets for how to actually stick with these things, let me know. Otherwise, have a safe and happy New Year and drink your face off before the January 1 cleansing phase begins. Cheers!

She's gone

R.I.P. BIG GREEN MONSTER

1996 - 2010

It was time. Beyond time, if you ask Dave, but I'm a little more sentimental. The Big Green Monster was good to me -- and she was the only car my mom and I purchased ourselves, without Dad. We wandered onto a used car lot one day in 2002 and, though I had decided I wanted a Jeep Grand Cherokee, I couldn't help but fall in love with this hot mess. She drove more like a car than an SUV, had a sunroof and tinted windows. One signed check later, I drove her off the lot.

And now? Well, like I said, it was time. After 8.5 years with me and 150k miles in her lifetime, the Monster was dying a slow, painful death. So, we called Habitat for Humanity and made arrangements to have her barely lifeless body taken away.

Needless to say, as evidenced by these photos, I had a bit of a tough time letting go...

Big Green Monster had to be jumped by our new car.

Someone's excited.

I will never have this view again!

Goodbye, sunroof that I had to crank open.

So long, plumes of smoke and peeling tire cover.

My last view of her.

It will be missed.

The (real) face-off

THIS DOG.



You can't tell in the photo, but moments ago, we had a face-off on the sidewalk after he nabbed an entire bread roll before I even noticed it. With my rapid, gymnast-like reflexes, I hit the ground and threw my hand in his mouth so he couldn't chew.

He stared at me.

I stared back.

I wrapped my fingers around the bread roll and tried to pry it away, but his teeth were already wedged in there. It was not good.

I glared.

He blinked.

I told him to "drop it," as if he would have magically learned that command on his own today. (We haven't taught it.) I told him to "leave it," like we make him do with his food. I took a stern tone of voice. I told him he was a bad boy. I pushed his jaw to get him to unlock. I touched his tongue to freak him out. I yelled "UH OH" to startle him into dropping it.

Nothing.

So I waited. I sat there in the cold, staring at my dog as cars drove by and stared at us. We both held onto that bread roll as if our lives depended on it. Finally, it started to get soggy, at which point I saw my golden opportunity. I dug my nails into the roll and broke it apart, moving swiftly to swat crumbly pieces out of Rocco's mouth.

SUCCESS!

I held tight on the leash and kicked the bread pieces into the snow as they fell. I felt triumphant. I wanted to throw a fist pump in the air or something. Within 2 seconds, Rocco forgot all about the bread and promptly pissed on a tree.

Sigh. Such are the glamours of puppy parenthood.

My birth story, as told by mom via text

It's the digital age, kids. As such, my mom decided to tell me about my birth 28 years ago. Through text message.


December 19, 7:37pm
Happy almost birthday..got to hospital at 6:30 and delivered you at 8:22..spent whole day waiting for your dad because I had the only car.

December 20, 12:35pm
Happy birthday...at this point I was reading a preggo book to see if I was in labor...still could not tell!

December 20, 1:43pm
By now I had gone shopping for egg nog to bring to a party.

December 20, 4:13pm
Now I was yelling at my friends who wanted to come get the egg nog for the party..just in case I couldn't make it.

December 20, 4:28pm
Called best friend with 2 kids to ask for advice. This devout Mormon told me to take a shot of vodka...if it was false labor it would stop.

December 20, 4:37pm
Waited 10 minutes then called her yelling...now they will think I'm an alcoholic!!!! And your dad needed to be picked up around 5:30.

December 20, 4:45pm
At the advice of a nurse neighbor, I started timing my "cramps."

December 20, 5:05pm
Pure panic has now hit as I realize cramps are about 7 min apart and the ride to get your father is about 12.....

December 20, 5:07
After searching for the keys, I headed off to get your dad...I did have to pull over on the roadside for a wave of cramps to pass...

December 20, 5:15pm
By now I am pretty sure I'm in labor..the several gallons of nog in my fridge..and your dad nowhere to be found.

December 20, 5:39pm
After waiting with the front seat reclined, he finally show up. I tell him I'm in labor and he has to drive.

December 20, 5:40pm
He was not receptive to anything after working a 36-hour shift...and he protested...I insisted.

December 20, 5:45pm
By the time we reached the first traffic light, he asked if my suitcase was in the car...it wasn't.


Aaaaand that's when I picked up the phone and called her. As she mentioned in her first text, I was born at 8:22pm. The biggest lesson here is that it's fine -- actually good -- to take shots of liquor if you think you're in labor. Cheers!

Best birthday ever

Today is my birthday, which means that this past weekend was my birthday celebration. I took no pictures whatsoever, so use your imagination -- just picture lots of wine bottles, laughter and some incredible friends.

Oh, and an incredible husband.

Exhibit A:



Gorgeous green Lanvin ballet flats. Does he know me or what?

Moments after I opened this gift at my birthday dinner, J whipped out her camera as another box was plopped in front of me. There's more?

Exhibit B:

Happy Birthday Lisa from ToKissTheCook on Vimeo.

LOUBOUTINS.

I may have cried a little.

Let it be known that I have worn both pairs of shoes around the house while cleaning and I'm still on cloud nine from the weekend's events. Many, many thanks to Dave and J for their secret shopping excursion and many more thanks to everyone who came out to celebrate.

Happy Monday, folks.

Smart marketing

Amid all the Christmas emails, shipping confirmations, job alerts, travel plans and back-and-forths with friends, a note "from Kim Kardashian" was opened rather than deleted, if for nothing else than sheer amusement.

This is not normal

This happened yesterday over IM. (My thoughts in italics.)


Suz: what's your first name?

Wha...? She knows my first name. Suz is being weird. Unless she's being funny... OR unless it's not Suz and it's a hacker trying to get me to send money to freakin' London or Brussels or something! I have heard about this scam on the Interwebs! Okay. Okay. Be cool. Do NOT provide information. Even though your IM is actually your complete first and last name. Maybe this hacker is special-needs and does not realize that.

Me: Um, I feel like it's a little early for you to be drinking...

Suz: no seriously is your name barbie?

Omg, this is totally a retarded hacker who thinks my name is Barbie and wants me to send money and I'm NOT doing it. Should I text Suz and tell her someone hacked her IM? No, just wait. See how this plays out.

Me: Sure.

Suz: go look at barbie's latest fb update

Oops. This is totally Suz. Well, good thing I never OVERREACT.

Barbie: There's no such thing as too many shoes! Enjoy 25% off any Christian Louboutin doll...

Me: Omg, I love her.

Suz: lol


Sigh. Do you know anyone more neurotic than me?

The Facebook Four

I don't spend too much time on Facebook. And last night, I think I realized why: I am "friends" with some really, really annoying people. Like these four folks that seem to invade my newsfeed every time I log on...


The OMG MY LIFE IS AWESOME Friend
This is the person who updates Facebook every time he/she is at the bar, a club, a boutique, a restaurant, a trip, a date -- and, apparently, these things happen multiple times a day. I had no idea life could be so exciting.

Example statuses: "Digging my toes in the sand. I luuuuuuuv the beach and I luv my life!" "This new restaurant is kick-ass. My city rocks!" "Out with the crew. I have the best friends EVER."

What's really going on: Overcompensation.

What you should do: Feel pity.


The Creepy Parent
As someone who doesn't have kids, I can only handle so many status updates having to do with diapers, poop, babbling, baby bodily fluids and mundane "mishaps."

Example statuses: "My sweet little 'Picasso' strikes again, but with a Sharpie on my white walls! Good thing I love that kid!" "Sarah is 48 weeks, 6 days and 3 hours old right now! YAY!" "Grocery shopping alone and I miss my baby." "Joey just pooped in the bath for the third time this week, omg. So much poop. Look, here's a picture of the poop."

What's really going on: Uh, parenthood.

What you should do: Submit to STFU Parents and move on.


The Religious Fanatic
I've lived in the Bible Belt and been around tons of Southern Baptists who think all Jews (and especially halfsies like me) are going to hell. So if anyone should be accustomed to the incessant proselytizing, it's this girl. Still, I just can't.

Example statuses: "Looking at the sunset. Heavens declare the glory of God!!!!" "When God answers prayers, my faith is increased. Praise Him!" "So thankful for the Lord Jesus Christ, who blesses me each and every day." "The very air in my lungs is evidence of God's grace upon me."

What's really going on: I still don't know.

What you should do: Prepare yourself. Christmas is just a few weeks away and the status updates are about to get super-duper righteous.


The Bandwagon-er
It feels like there's always a meme of some sort floating around Facebook, often with the goal of "raising awareness" for some sort of cause, illness or tragedy. Recently, we saw it with the whole change-your-profile-to-a-picture-of-a-cartoon-character in order to... Actually, I have no idea what it was supposed to do. Something about child abuse. You know what those kids and organizations really need? Money. Time. Not a picture of a Care Bear.

Example statuses: "I like it on the kitchen table, lol." "Red." "I drink tequila!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

What's really going on: Idiocy

What you should do: Hide them from your newsfeed. Because this shit isn't gonna stop.


I'm not saying updates about your awesome life, awesome kids and awesome God should never exist. If anything, I'm guilty of the parental one because I'm obsessed with my dog. But to write these things over and over and over again, to the point where you talk about nothing else, well, that gets you on My List.

Who's on your list?