Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Facebook Four

I don't spend too much time on Facebook. And last night, I think I realized why: I am "friends" with some really, really annoying people. Like these four folks that seem to invade my newsfeed every time I log on...

This is the person who updates Facebook every time he/she is at the bar, a club, a boutique, a restaurant, a trip, a date -- and, apparently, these things happen multiple times a day. I had no idea life could be so exciting.

Example statuses: "Digging my toes in the sand. I luuuuuuuv the beach and I luv my life!" "This new restaurant is kick-ass. My city rocks!" "Out with the crew. I have the best friends EVER."

What's really going on: Overcompensation.

What you should do: Feel pity.

The Creepy Parent
As someone who doesn't have kids, I can only handle so many status updates having to do with diapers, poop, babbling, baby bodily fluids and mundane "mishaps."

Example statuses: "My sweet little 'Picasso' strikes again, but with a Sharpie on my white walls! Good thing I love that kid!" "Sarah is 48 weeks, 6 days and 3 hours old right now! YAY!" "Grocery shopping alone and I miss my baby." "Joey just pooped in the bath for the third time this week, omg. So much poop. Look, here's a picture of the poop."

What's really going on: Uh, parenthood.

What you should do: Submit to STFU Parents and move on.

The Religious Fanatic
I've lived in the Bible Belt and been around tons of Southern Baptists who think all Jews (and especially halfsies like me) are going to hell. So if anyone should be accustomed to the incessant proselytizing, it's this girl. Still, I just can't.

Example statuses: "Looking at the sunset. Heavens declare the glory of God!!!!" "When God answers prayers, my faith is increased. Praise Him!" "So thankful for the Lord Jesus Christ, who blesses me each and every day." "The very air in my lungs is evidence of God's grace upon me."

What's really going on:
I still don't know.

What you should do: Prepare yourself. Christmas is just a few weeks away and the status updates are about to get super-duper righteous.

The Bandwagon-er
It feels like there's always a meme of some sort floating around Facebook, often with the goal of "raising awareness" for some sort of cause, illness or tragedy. Recently, we saw it with the whole change-your-profile-to-a-picture-of-a-cartoon-character in order to... Actually, I have no idea what it was supposed to do. Something about child abuse. You know what those kids and organizations really need? Money. Time. Not a picture of a Care Bear.

Example statuses: "I like it on the kitchen table, lol." "Red." "I drink tequila!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

What's really going on: Idiocy

What you should do: Hide them from your newsfeed. Because this shit isn't gonna stop.

I'm not saying updates about your awesome life, awesome kids and awesome God should never exist. If anything, I'm guilty of the parental one because I'm obsessed with my dog. But to write these things over and over and over again, to the point where you talk about nothing else, well, that gets you on My List.

Who's on your list?


Sara said...

Jeez this is so true. There's a girl on my list who likes to tell everyone what she has done so far for the day, what is planned, and what the family is doing to wrap up the evening. My mom is someone I've had to block newsfeeds because everything is Skittles and unicorns and I can't take it anymore...but if I unfriended her then hell would fall upon me.

Rachel said...

My list? The opposite of my OMG MY LIFE IS AWESOME poster.
The second something goes wrong all you read about is;
*Why don't people understand me?!
*This day just keeps getting worse.
*I should just disappear, no one would notice.
There will also be constant sad song lyrics.
The worst part?
You read their sad drivel for a week and you never get an explanation! All foreplay, no awkward sex after.....

Shellbell said...

thank you, L. thank you for being the voice of what i think, but am too chicken to admit out loud.
The one's that bug me the most are the parents & the brides who's lives cease to exist except for that ONE topic.
Also, i realize we grew up in the bible belt...but i'm still constantly shocked at the overwhelming number of people we knew who have taken it to the extreme...

elle michelle said...

Sara: Hahaha, good call just blocking your mom and not unfriending. I haven't blocked any of the people I whined about, so I know I shouldn't complain...

Rachel: YES, that should definitely be on my list too. The Vague Passive-Aggressive Poster. Unreal.

Shellbell: I know you can name at least 3 people in each category. And the overboard-Jesus stuff? Shocks me too.

Anonymous said...

Blech. For some reason the few on my feed that feel they need to constantly post about: working out, going to work out, killer work outs etc.

"heading to the gym, ready to burn off some stress...", "man that was one AWESOME workout!" etc...


Shellbell said...

The best part for me, was reading your quotes, and knowing exactly who you were talking about :)

elle michelle said...

Anon: Please make all my dreams come true and tell me you live in Jersey.

Shellbell: Yes!

Anonymous said...

Montana actually... But were sort of like... Colorado's Jersey. Ha!

Leah said...

The people who make my list are the ones who countdown for EVERYTHING. Like the girl who started updating EVERY DAY about her wedding 40 days out.

Example: 39 days till I marry my soulmate!! I'm the happiest girl ALIVE!! My life is perfect!!

The updates only got worse as the wedding got closer.

Chrows25 aka Leather Woman said...

I know what you mean , but I am sometimes guilty of such crap!
I have to admit that I have a lot of support out of FB, I have a group of crazy women & 3 men who have scleroderma, we chat on line . I am a very late onset, 69 fucking years old !!!
The fight is on My team consists of a fabulous but weird family a great husband and twelve , count them bloody stray animals.
I love blogging (sometimes drunk)and bore the hell out of many people I am sure.

terra said...

This is SO TRUE. I have so many new parent friends who CONSTANTLY post about baby fluids and really, it's entirely too annoying to ever be cute.

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