Life lessons

This may shock you, but I make a fair amount of mistakes. Just... ya know... in life.

Of course, we all learn from our mistakes and blah blah blah, so that's good, I guess. But what's even better is that I'm sharing what I've learned from my mishaps so you don't end up in the same shit situations I've been in. Hooray!


Renting a car

• Inspect the car all the way around as soon as you get it! Otherwise, the unsavory rental jerks will give you an Infiniti with a scratched bumper and try to pin it on you when you get back. I'M NOT PAYING YOU SHIT.
  

Cooking dinner

• NEVER stand over a gas stove while wearing a dress
• Never put your spices above your stove
• When in doubt, add garlic. And cheese.
  

Preparing a resume

• Every time you do something badass at your current job, write it down. Write down numbers, money you brought in, site traffic you drove, etc. This will help tremendously in case you get shit-canned unexpectedly and need a new gig.
  

Planning a wedding

• Drink a lot of wine
• Don't try to please everyone
• Chill the fuck out; it's one day
  
• Read all of these tips that no one tells you

Working with an (or multiple) idiots

• Drink a lot of wine
• Don't try to please everyone
• Chill the fuck out; it's just a job
  

Getting a puppy

• If it doesn't feel right, don't get the dog. Don't. Dave and I did this once 4 years ago (long story) and it didn't end well.
  
• Consider adoption. I said I'd never adopt because I wouldn't know the dog's background and I wanted to raise a puppy from the beginning. But, I quickly realized adoption allows you to bypass the (literally) shitty puppy issues, spend far less money and save a life in the process.
  

Helping a friend

• When your clumsy friend/boss takes a spill on a busy sidewalk, don't make a big deal out of it. Just pick her up, brush her off and keep on going with hardly a break in the conversation. She'll thank you.

Freelance writing

• Subscribe to Freelance Daily
• Build your own website to house your portfolio
• Steer clear of bidding sites like Elance, where your rates are more important than quality work
• Don't suck at writing
  

Sewing

• Get cheap, cute fabric from Fabric.com
• Always, always, always order a swatch first, otherwise you might be stuck with 15 yards of pea-green drapes that you've stuffed into the corner of your dining room
  
• Make your own Roman shades with these instructions
• Be friends with Suzanne

Moving

• Pay movers. Seriously, it's worth it. (If you're in Chicago, we loved, loved, loved Movetastic.)
• Do not pack boxes when you're drunk
• Do not move to an apartment with a Whole Foods in the building unless you want to flirt with being broke and fat
  

That's all I've got.

My dad

My dad, who is visiting soon with Mom, got a smart phone recently and it's been HILARIOUS.

Case in point:



(And you wonder why I'm like this.)

Moments after this text, he calls me. As we're talking through next weekend's plans, I get a beep. Call waiting.

Hmm.

I check to see who's beeping in and it's.... MY DAD.

"Dad, what the shit are you doing?"

Nothing.

"Hello? Dad?"

Nothing.

So, I click over to the other call.

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"What are you DOING?"

"I don't know! I'm just sitting outside, minding my own business. This damn thing has too many buttons. I think I'm pressing them by accident."

It frightens me that this is only the beginning...

Seriously?

Oh my god, there's no escaping The Big Green Monster.


It is forever immortalized in front of my parents' house on the Goog. Whyyyyy?

Tag, I'm it

Shellbell tagged me for this "what's in your purse" thing, so here's a bunch of trash I'm carting around today.

• Massive white Kate Spade wallet I bought on eBay forever ago
• Meds that help keep me from flipping out on Dave
• Tampons, even though I'm not on my period
• Clear top coat of nail polish from OPI
• Charger for my iPhone, since it's always, always dead
• Sunglasses
• Flimsy umbrella from H&M (under the sunglasses)
• A bar receipt from my STL trip last weekend
• COLD MEDS because I'm in my own private hell right now
• A tea bag I'm planning to use this afternoon (see above)
  
• Hand sanitizer that smells amazing
• Two peppermints from god-knows-where
  
• A lonely green car key to The Big Green Monster
• The rest of my keys, who want nothing to do with the car key
  
• My abused checkbook

Okay, okay, looks like my purse could use a little cleaning out every once in a while. This is pretty standard for me though. I'm not known as the world's neatest person...

Sooo, do you carry around as much shit as I do? (Say yes.)

National Food Blogger Bake Sale

Ha. I bet you thought I was going to bake something.

Actually... no, you know me better than that.

Even though I try to stay out of the kitchen these days, I still love me some baked goods. Oh, and charities. That's why I wanted to tell you about this:

National Food Blogger Bake Sale
Saturday, April 17
12pm-3pm CST
Smash Cake Bakery
2961 N. Lincoln Ave. (at Wellington)
Proceeds to benefit Share Our Strength

This thing is actually taking place across the country, so if you're not in Chicago, click here to see where your local blogger bake sale will be.

One of my favorite foodies, Maris from In Good Taste, is hosting the Chicago bake sale, so if you want to get involved in any way -- baking, helping set up the sale, sending out a media release, stuffing your face with goodies -- just shoot her an email: mariscallahan [at] gmail [dot] com.

The Big Green Monster

I probably should have never taunted the car gods.

After posting about my mom's shit car, a healthy dose of karma decided to swing back my way and send me into a frenzied tailspin over my own shit car.

You see, I own a 1996 Honda Passport. It is, for all intents and purposes, The Big Green Monster. And I adore it.


I have a sunroof, tinted windows, a chrome bumper, a towing hitch... If I were some sort of hybrid gangster/redneck, this would be THE car to own. But still, it's my baby. My mom and I bought it all by ourselves on one hazy afternoon in Memphis sometime in 2002. It's been unbelievably good to me for years and years, and my parents have dumped a lot of money into this beast to keep it alive.

But, apparently, one bitchy post about crappy cars can undo 8 years of maintenance.

As I was driving my brother back to his apartment this weekend (because I'm basically the nicest sister ever), I pushed the accelerator and IT GOT STUCK! It's Toyota's Antichrist!

Like I tend to do when my life flashes before my eyes, I. Freaked. Out. My heart started pounding and I started shaking a bit. Thankfully, the brakes worked just fine... but every time I needed to accelerate, the accelerator would stick. Let's just say it was the worst drive home I've ever had since the steering wheel of my 1988 Mitsubishi Galant locked up. (Yeah, I have a great track record with busted-ass vehicles.)

So, Dave and I had to have The Conversation about our options. At what point do we let the car go? How long should we wait to get another car? My god, can we even afford to buy another car? What should we get? Would leasing be better than buying right now?

Too many questions! All we decided on was that we'd take the car in to get fixed, but if it cost anything more than a few hundred dollars, it would be time to kiss the Passport goodbye and figure out our next move.

While the car was at the shop, I spent a little time on the Interwebs daydreaming about cars I may or may not be able to buy. I even joked that my mom could give us HER shit car when she gets a new one, but then I remembered how much I fucking hate minivans. Gew.

Sooo, while I was busy getting ahead of myself, the mechanics were busy fixing The Big Green Monster. They were able to patch up the nasty accelerator problem, but when they went to change the oil, we ran into a new set of issues.

It appears that one of my gaskets is leaking oil while the other is "literally pouring oil out."

Lovely.

So, since fixing that shit would cost more than half the value of the car, we decided not to mess with it. This means that our driving is limited to about 30 miles at a time and that we'll have to keep loading the car up with oil just about every second.

And now, instead of taunting the car gods, I am praying to them. Praying that the Monster will suffer a slow, slow death so we can continue driving it. Praying that a truck delivering oil breaks down in front of my house so I can raid it like one of the 14-year-old neighborhood gang members. Praying that we can soon afford a "new" car so we can stop pouring time, money, energy and worry into this one.

In the meantime, can I have a ride to No More Bullshit Land, please?

More reasons why my mom is awesome

Happy Good Friday, ya'll.