Bachelorette Party Recap

So, my bachelorette party was last night. Here are a few memorable snippets from the evening (I'll post pictures when everyone sends them to me):


Friday night, 8:00pm
J: Are you excited??
Me: YES! There will lots of wine drinking.
J: (pause)
J: I hope we can make it out past 11:30....
Me: No promises.

Saturday night, 6pm
Sex toy lady shows up in a super low-cut tank top and a massive suitcase of goodies, leaning with one arm propped against the wall as if she'd just dragged the suitcase up 34 flights of stairs. Before she even walks into my apartment, she shouts, "Jesus, it took me longer to find a parking space than it did to find my G-spot!" Hello to you too.

6:05pm
There are dildos, vibrators, cock rings and the like strewn about my coffee table. Time to fill up my wine glass to the brim. (And I'd like to take a special moment now to welcome all my fellow perverts who just arrived here from a very graphic Google search. You're not gonna find what you're looking for here, but welcome, just the same.)

6:15pm
We're all quizzed on pervy sex terms during an explicit game of Sex Jeopardy. I realize that I don't spend nearly enough time on Urban Dictionary to fairly compete.

6:30pm
My sister, the youngest person in the group, wins Sex Jeopardy by answering, "What is 'double stuffed'?" to the final question. I assure you, it has nothing to do with Oreos. Or anything sweet, in any sense of the word.

7:15pm
The second youngest in the group takes one look at the Silver Bullet and is immediately confused. "I mean, does it go inside?" NOOO.

8pm
Aaand, we're drunk. Just in time for purchases. The second youngest steers clear of the Silver Bullet, not surprisingly.

9:30pm
We're at Sushi Samba's rooftop lounge ordering drinks and sushi. I am not wearing a boa, but someone else there is. I take this opportunity to thank my girls for not making me into such a spectacle at a nice restaurant.

9:45pm
I discover that my dress has pockets! I am oddly excited by this and tell those sitting closest to me about my discovery multiple times.

10:50pm
On our walk over to Swirl Wine Bar, a guy asks me where he can find Sound-Bar. I point him in the right direction, but not without asking him if he's from Schaumburg. He denies it and runs away, but I know he's lying.

11:00pm
We take out seats at Swirl where there is a Latin band playing, complete with three singer/dancers. One of these women does not have a microphone and does not dance. All she does is clap. We decide that we can do this job too, but since we're drunk, it ends up being more like the Special Olympics of clapping.

11:30pm
The band half-jokingly asks for song suggestions and my sister-in-law screams, "LA VIDA LOCA!!" Not jokingly. The band stares. And does not play Livin' La Vida Loca.

11:45pm
One of the dancers pulls me and my college roommate onto the dance floor, perhaps in retaliation for the "la vida loca" thing. Within minutes, all 13 of us are dancing around like, well, a drunken bachelorette party.

Midnight
"J, we made it past 11:30!"

12:15am
SIL orders shots for everyone. I don't do shots, but I sip mine down in a few gulps, knowing that the night is already winding down.

12:30am
After a few yawns and stretches, we all admit to wanting to go home. So we're not 21 anymore. What of it?

12:40am
As several of us walk back to my apartment past the fire station, a fire truck flicks on its siren and barrels out of the station. My other SIL, who has two kids and is never in this outrageous state, thrusts her arms in the air and lets out a, "WOOOOO!" as it speeds away. Wooo fires!

12:45am
Despite not being able to construct a complete sentence, my first SIL manages to convey the fact that she wants to order pizza, even though her hotel is off the Blue Line near O'hare and it's already pretty late. Dave, who is beyond amused, keeps asking her if she's SURE she'll eat it. She says she will.

12:47am
"Daaaave, jalapenos! Donnforgetthat."

1:00am
SIL wisely crawls to the bathroom, but doesn't actually barf. So she crawls back out and sprawls on the floor, giggling.

1:15am
Dave decides its time for SIL to go to bed (forget the pizza) and puts both SILs in a cab. SIL 1 crawls in and announces that the cab smells like weed. Dave apologizes to the driver for giving him two very drunk girls, but he HAS given her three puke bags just in case.

3:00am
After chatting, snacking and laughing with the other girls spending the night, our buzzes have faded and our eyelids are heavy. It's time to pack it in.


All in all, a great night with great girls! THANKS LADIES!