Kids are so stupid. Or maybe it was just me.

You know how sometimes you just want kids to go away so you can have an adult conversation without worrying about saying anything bad?

Well, apparently, it's not very effective to say, "GET AWAY FROM ME, CHILD." It requires more creativity.

For my own parents, they used to tell me that it was time for "grown-up talk."

And can I tell you something?

I seriously thought they were speaking in a different language.

I KNOW, how idiotic. But when they used words like government, stock market, Reagan, Rain Man, mullet and assholes, I had no idea what they were saying. The only logical conclusion was that this mysterious grown-up talk was a new foreign language that I wouldn't learn until I was older.

I remember hiding out in the bathroom near our living room once, just hovering by the door trying to see if I could make out any of the words my parents were saying. Maybe I could teach myself some of this new language before I was a grown-up. I got caught and was sent back to my room to play with my brother and sister. (I think that's when I started grasping the concept of GOD DAMMIT.)

Anyway, I tell you this because it's important for you to know that little kids are stupid and will believe anything you tell them. So take advantage of this now, for as long as you can. Go forth and be a grown-up.

Oh, you think so?

Dave's birthday is coming up on May 27, and this is what I just found on our shared Goog calendar.




WTF. So, just in case you're wondering how 5/27/2010 will play out:

Daytime TV

I've written about the travesty that is daytime TV before. But when you're working your butt off and just want something on in the background, it's actually better that you're not totally into the crappy shows. At least, this is what I've discovered while working here, where we have TVs at our desks.




So, depending on what's doing on, here's what I may watch at any given point in the day:

9am-10am
Watch O or taping.

10am-11am
The View, even though I can't stand that Hasselback.

11am-12pm
Wendy Willlllllliams. How you derrring?

12pm-1pm
Deal or No Deal. Should be called Dealer or No Dealer because, seriously, most of those people are on DRUGS.

1pm-2pm
Afternoon taping or Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. I'm convinced that this will serve me well next time I do trivia.

2pm-3pm
You ARE NOT the father.

3pm-4pm
Ellen, because she's darling.

4pm-4:30pm
Extra, because I'm lame.

4:30-5:30
Friends, back to back.

5:30-6:00
The Office, back when it was good.

6:00-6:30
Seinfeld, while I wrap up my day.


Lately, however, I've actually gravitated towards my dear Hulu and started getting into some new shows. The latest series I'm into? Fringe. I've been watching Season 1 the last few weeks, mostly because I have a crush on Mark Valley for no real reason. Let's take a moment:



Look at that smirk! Did you know he's married to his co-star on Fringe, the blonde chick? Yet another travesty.

Moving on.

Anyway. Fringe. It's weird and creepy, but still a step above Maury, even with it's gruesome monsters and reality-suspending plots. Actually, maybe it's just like Maury...

Or, maybe it's time for me to get back to work. After all, Wendy Williams is almost on.

Life lessons

This may shock you, but I make a fair amount of mistakes. Just... ya know... in life.

Of course, we all learn from our mistakes and blah blah blah, so that's good, I guess. But what's even better is that I'm sharing what I've learned from my mishaps so you don't end up in the same shit situations I've been in. Hooray!


Renting a car

• Inspect the car all the way around as soon as you get it! Otherwise, the unsavory rental jerks will give you an Infiniti with a scratched bumper and try to pin it on you when you get back. I'M NOT PAYING YOU SHIT.
  

Cooking dinner

• NEVER stand over a gas stove while wearing a dress
• Never put your spices above your stove
• When in doubt, add garlic. And cheese.
  

Preparing a resume

• Every time you do something badass at your current job, write it down. Write down numbers, money you brought in, site traffic you drove, etc. This will help tremendously in case you get shit-canned unexpectedly and need a new gig.
  

Planning a wedding

• Drink a lot of wine
• Don't try to please everyone
• Chill the fuck out; it's one day
  
• Read all of these tips that no one tells you

Working with an (or multiple) idiots

• Drink a lot of wine
• Don't try to please everyone
• Chill the fuck out; it's just a job
  

Getting a puppy

• If it doesn't feel right, don't get the dog. Don't. Dave and I did this once 4 years ago (long story) and it didn't end well.
  
• Consider adoption. I said I'd never adopt because I wouldn't know the dog's background and I wanted to raise a puppy from the beginning. But, I quickly realized adoption allows you to bypass the (literally) shitty puppy issues, spend far less money and save a life in the process.
  

Helping a friend

• When your clumsy friend/boss takes a spill on a busy sidewalk, don't make a big deal out of it. Just pick her up, brush her off and keep on going with hardly a break in the conversation. She'll thank you.

Freelance writing

• Subscribe to Freelance Daily
• Build your own website to house your portfolio
• Steer clear of bidding sites like Elance, where your rates are more important than quality work
• Don't suck at writing
  

Sewing

• Get cheap, cute fabric from Fabric.com
• Always, always, always order a swatch first, otherwise you might be stuck with 15 yards of pea-green drapes that you've stuffed into the corner of your dining room
  
• Make your own Roman shades with these instructions
• Be friends with Suzanne

Moving

• Pay movers. Seriously, it's worth it. (If you're in Chicago, we loved, loved, loved Movetastic.)
• Do not pack boxes when you're drunk
• Do not move to an apartment with a Whole Foods in the building unless you want to flirt with being broke and fat
  

That's all I've got.

My dad

My dad, who is visiting soon with Mom, got a smart phone recently and it's been HILARIOUS.

Case in point:



(And you wonder why I'm like this.)

Moments after this text, he calls me. As we're talking through next weekend's plans, I get a beep. Call waiting.

Hmm.

I check to see who's beeping in and it's.... MY DAD.

"Dad, what the shit are you doing?"

Nothing.

"Hello? Dad?"

Nothing.

So, I click over to the other call.

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"What are you DOING?"

"I don't know! I'm just sitting outside, minding my own business. This damn thing has too many buttons. I think I'm pressing them by accident."

It frightens me that this is only the beginning...

Seriously?

Oh my god, there's no escaping The Big Green Monster.


It is forever immortalized in front of my parents' house on the Goog. Whyyyyy?

Tag, I'm it

Shellbell tagged me for this "what's in your purse" thing, so here's a bunch of trash I'm carting around today.

• Massive white Kate Spade wallet I bought on eBay forever ago
• Meds that help keep me from flipping out on Dave
• Tampons, even though I'm not on my period
• Clear top coat of nail polish from OPI
• Charger for my iPhone, since it's always, always dead
• Sunglasses
• Flimsy umbrella from H&M (under the sunglasses)
• A bar receipt from my STL trip last weekend
• COLD MEDS because I'm in my own private hell right now
• A tea bag I'm planning to use this afternoon (see above)
  
• Hand sanitizer that smells amazing
• Two peppermints from god-knows-where
  
• A lonely green car key to The Big Green Monster
• The rest of my keys, who want nothing to do with the car key
  
• My abused checkbook

Okay, okay, looks like my purse could use a little cleaning out every once in a while. This is pretty standard for me though. I'm not known as the world's neatest person...

Sooo, do you carry around as much shit as I do? (Say yes.)