Thursday, January 22, 2009


I'm in a weird mood right now, so I figured I'd whine about some of the twits on Twitter. These are the people I simply don't have the patience for. I'm not pointing to anyone specific; actually it's more of a categorization. So, even though this has been done before by others, here's my list of Twitterers to avoid.

The mundane
You ate another turkey sandwich for lunch again, huh? Oh, you took the mayo off this time? It's because you RAN OUT of mayo?! Good god, man, this is getting intense! ...Or it's getting really, really boring. I can never remember which. To save myself the trouble of sorting through these thoughts, I'm just going to stop following you. Problem solved.

The oversharer
Sometimes people get just too personal on Twitter. We're talking bodily fluids or drunken daily parenting fails. Sometimes is fine, but when we're constantly hearing about your life's very intimate details, it feels like you totally thrust our relationship to a whole new level without seeing if I was comfortable first. I wasn't. And the worst part about the oversharer is that after he puts it all out there like that, he'll actually get mad when someone responds. "WTF, mind your own business and keep those thoughts to yourself!" You first.

The drama queen
The drama queen will fly off the handle about something minor and will MAKE SURE TWITTER KNOWS IT EVERY SINGLE TIME. There's a heavy use of CAPS lock, exclamation points, "omg" references, etc. Sometimes the drama queen puts herself into situations where it's obviously going to end badly, and then she bitches or whines when it actually does. It's draining and exhausting to keep up with this type, since every tweet is pretty over the top.

The self promoter
This person focuses solely on the shameless plugging of all sorts of blogs, articles and projects that he/she is working on without giving two shits about what anyone else is doing. I'm not saying it's unacceptable to point to your own stuff (I mean, I do it, so clearly it can't be wrong), but when that's alllll that's happening in those little status updates and you're constantly begging everyone to retweet, well, it gets old.

The narcisist
Similar to the self-promoter, the narcissist doesn't talk so much about what he does as much as how simply awesome/cute/funny/talented/amazing he thinks he is. The tricky thing here is that he won't always come out and directly say how awesome he is; instead, he may tell us a quick story about how someone else thinks he's awesome. Sneaky! He can be hard to spot at first for that reason, but after hearing the fortieth story about how he's practically a god, you start feeling annoyed enough to unfollow.

Okay, end rant. Just so I don't end this on a totally sour note, I've also go a quick list of people who are awesome to follow. My loves:

The hilarious
Funny = I love you. 'Nuff said.

The insider
I love following people who seem to know everything before the rest of us, who share great links and who seem to say something interesting/insightful in nearly every tweet. I have no idea how they do it.

Shaq gets his own category. He is by far the absolute best person to follow on Twitter, so if you're not already keeping tabs on him, go follow now. You'll get gems like "Cant sleep after a loss, watchn maury povich, i am not the father schwwwww" and "Twitter me this, twitter me that. Hello to all my twittereans, This is the shaq Love u guys." Best part? He quotes himself constantly. Amazing.


TKTC said...

Drama Queen tendencies, constant self-pity and/or an overabundance of links lacking premise= immediate un-follow

Leah said...

Here's one of my favorite Twitter Haikus that I think it totally applicable.

Twitter in haiku/because we really don't care/what you ate for lunch.

Also, I can't stand the people who put shirtless pictures of themselves as their profile picture and who then want to be taken seriously. Twitter is not Myspace!!

ALEX IN CAPS said...

Shaq is responsible for improving my life ten-fold. I mean, just look at the sample tweet you gave us. Have you seen anyone rhyme like that in the past 10 years? Easily the best lyrical work since Shaq Fu: Da Return.

Marie said...


surviving myself said...

So which one are you?

The Alleged Ringleader said...

I'm sooo adding Shaq now!

Finger Talks said...

i really enjoy the twittering tourettes. People who leave random verbal attacks in a generally funny manner. ie: "wow, one day will my ass have hair on it? I'm old! Shank!"

they make my day.

Rachel said...

hmmmm, I may be guilty of the boring posts....The drama queen ones are horrible. Let me tell you something, if you are a DQ poster your internet buddies complain about you after a while....

Audrey said...

I like your twittering and blogging because you us words like non-asshole.

Seriously, non-asshole. Thats some funny shit.

d said...

i never know if i'm annoying people with my tweets. as for reading, i wish i could find some quick way to rid my following of the useless tweets, but i can't keep track of who isn't adding any value and who is.


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