Ang, Suz, Jess, Mel and I went to see Twilight this weekend.
You guys, seriously, don't waste your time.
It was terrible and hilarious all at once! "Best comedy of the year," Jess declared. Our obnoxious laughter filled the theater at the most inappropriate moments -- but we weren't the only ones, at least. (Right?)
I mean, it was a teen vampire movie. What did we expect?
I guess I expected it to be at least half as awesome as the book. (A-mazing!) Instead, here's what we got...
BEGINNING
--Movie opens with Bella taking a mini cactus with her from Phoenix to Forks. We're very focued on the cactus for some reason. Huh? I'm thinking the symbolism in this movie isn't going to be very subtle. Nor will these frivolous details add any value to a scene now or later.
--Charlie is funny as shit. Bonus points to the casting director who got this guy, seriously.
--Ahhh, Jacob is NOT cute! Boooo.
--When Bella pulls up to the high school in that busted-ass truck on her first day, everyone stares at her and some kid goes, "Nice ride." Everyone laughed, people nudged him in gestures of approval and some chick goes, "Good one!" WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
--The friend introductions were terrible. They might as well have just said, "Hi, I'm Main Character Number 3."
--Mike Newton is an exaggerated goofball who is a major, major spaz. He's like a crazed puppy dog without any of the charm. He also is too cool to sit in the seats in the cafeteria and instead sits on the table while using the seat as a footrest. What a rebel.
--Emmett Cullen also has a real problem sitting down... in a moving vehicle. Instead, he chooses to stand up in the middle of the Cullen family jeep as they tear into the parking lot. And in case we had any doubt about how cool he is, he wears his hat sideways, a la Fresh Prince, just to hit that point home. You're full of snark, teen angst and bad-assery -- we got it.
--Victoria is a ginge with big hair.
--Dr. Cullen looks like he dunked his face into a vat of flour right before his scenes. Again, with the subtlety...
MIDDLE
--Edward Cullen still looks like a cross between CT from the Real World and Pete Doherty from the crackhead hall of fame. He always, always looks like he's constipated or like thinking hurts his head. Every time he comes on screen, I wince.
--At the beach at La Push, just as Bella begins her walk with Jacob, Jessica comes squealing past them, being chased by goofball Mike with what looks like a rope. A rope? Okay, a rope with seaweed on the end, I guess. I don't think I was supposed to be analyzing the object. I think I was supposed to be saying, "Oh, look at how totally carefree and fun these Forks kids are. Laughter abounds at the beach! Yay! And what a contrast to that pale, vampire-loving Bella. She's so deep! She's way too smart and pensive to be bothered by other kids' silliness! What depth they've written into this character!"
--Once Edward and Bella "go public" with their relationship, he gets out of his car wearing old-man Ray Bans. The kind that makes you wonder if someone is blind. He has an exaggerated swagger, throws his arm around Bella and smirks at everyone staring at him. Oh, god, we could not stop laughing.
--SEPIA WOLVES. The hilarious flashback whose only color included red blood. Da, da, dummmmm.
--Edwards takes Bella into the woods where they're both melodramatic for no reason. I felt like Evanescence should be playing the whole time.
--In the field, Edward and Bella lay silently next to each other (sans chemistry) while the camera swirls around above them. This continues for, like, five minutes. I do not understand.
--The Cullen house looks exactly like the house in Ferris Bueller where the car flies through the glass window into the woods. I don't know why, but that made me very excited.
--To enter the kitchen from outside, Alice and Jasper jump off a tree instead of, you know, walking in. Uhhhh, okay.
--While in his room, Edward grabs Bella, throws her on his back and they jump outside and climb up a really tall tree. It came out of nowhere and was really awkward. They get to the top of the tree and just sit up there... until Bella starts climbing around. Girl can't stand on two feet without falling, but now she's an expert tree climber?
END
--During the baseball game, Bella is umpire when Rosalie makes her way around the bases. Rosalie barrels home, but Bella calls her out. Rosalie stands slowly and dramatically, and stares Bella down with a ridiculous stink eye.
--When the other vampires show up, James stands there with his head permanently cocked to the side, his eyes switching between squinty and wide-eyed. Is he special ed?
--Rosalie doesn't want to help Bella. While everyone runs around the garage getting shit together, she plops herself on a counter and says, "What's she to ME?" Such acid in that voice! So over the top! Carlisle snaps, "She's family now." Oh, hai, we just met but now I'm your family, pls risk your life for me.
--Rosalie decides to help and her job is to wear Bella's coat to distract James from the trail. While running through the forest, she's told to mark a tree. She runs up to it, thrusts her back at it and starts rubbing against it like a rabid bear having a seizure.
--Once James catches Bella through his trickery, he grabs her by the throat and says, "Sorry," only it was very sing-songy, more like, "Sooooowwww-rrrryyyyy." And then he tries to eat her.
--The very last scene is Victoria and her big, ginge head watching Bella at the prom. Victoria does a dramatic hair flip and the screen goes to black-and-white. END SCENE. We all end in fits of laughter.
So, basically, I felt like I was watching a middle school play. These actors were SO bad, the subtlety SO nonexistent, the drama SO over the top.
I'm really not doing justice to the pure comedy of it. On second thought, maybe you should go see it... It's a fucking riot.
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